Hi Achokis! My spouse and I are both in our mid-30s and we have two children. Our union has been one marred with plenty of downs and not much ups.

It has reached a point where I feel we need help just to do the simple task of communicating. We do not agree on anything — everyone does as they wish or want since consulting the other won’t bear any fruit.

As it stands, there is a cloud of uncertainty hanging on whether to seek help or just end the union. What should we do? Please advise!

Our take

Thank you for reaching out. Marriage is indeed not a bed of roses. Indeed, every rose flower has its own thorns.

We all want to experience the roses, but so often come across the thorns that prick us, hurting us in the process.

As a result, we either give up going for the roses or do go for them in spite of the pain the thorns inflicted on us. 

You can’t do it alone

Working through problems in marriage is never easy, but can be fruitful if both parties are aware there’s a problem and are willing to work at it.

They should also be ready to de-learn bad habits and behaviours that they have developed along the way and learn new habits and skills required to enhance their relationship.

The big question is, are you both willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage? Are you both willing to climb down from your high towers and let go of your hard stands?

No harm in trying 

The key word here being “both”, because you cannot save your relationship by yourself if the other person isn’t willing to do so.

Calling it quits without trying all you can to resolve your issues is not the solution.

Who knows if with a little outside help and perspective, your relationship could have been helped yet you walked out of it only to look back sometime in the future full of regret. 

Just as we take ourselves or our loved ones to the doctors even when sometimes it looks hopeless, yet trust that somehow the doctors will help, you need to both seek help from a trained therapist to see whether or not your marriage can be salvaged.

It is better to try and give it your best so that even if it doesn’t work out, you will be able to look back and say you tried.

In seeking help, don’t go to your clan because as they say blood is thicker than water.

They are bound to take sides and not be objective enough even as you may also not want to be too open with them, thus jeopardising the process. 

When things are tough between a couple, they seem to see only the dark side of the relationship, the thorns not the roses.

The roses are the good memories you have and the good things about each other that you still like and appreciate.

Focusing on such things can help give you the big “WHY” to fight for your marriage.  

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches  [email protected]