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My husband and his father have suddenly become very close.  All my husband does in the evening when he comes from work is to talk to my father-in-law on phone for hours.

He says they are doing projects together, which I never see the proceeds.  My father-in-law is driving me crazy —he expects us to visit him every two weeks. He lives out of town.

When father and son are inseparable, what do you do?  I’m afraid that I am losing my husband and that he is not interested in this family anymore.  Njeri

Hi Njeri. The fact that you say your husband and his father have suddenly become close means that was not the case before.

What might have caused the sudden shift? How was his relationship with his father when he was growing up or even as an adult? 

Men with daddy issues

Some men have father issues in their lives, which come to haunt them in their adulthood.

All boys crave for that close relationship with their fathers and when their father is absent through death, divorce, emotional distance or a dead-beat dad, it leaves a gaping hole in their life.

 The desire for a father’s acceptance, affection, affirmation and attention carries on through the boy’s entire life.

When they finally find it, they try to overcompensate for it. This may be what your hubby is going through. 

The fathers on the other hand also in their old age mellow down and try to make up for that lost time with their sons.

This could be what has caused the sudden shift. You need to understand this first before approaching your husband. 

In your approach, don’t tell him that he has this problem, rather, make an observation and allow him to ponder over it. 

Way forward

If you approach him well, he may indeed think about it and discover what is happening as far as his relationship with his dad is concerned. 

Don’t make a fuss about it or look like you are coming between him and his dad. This may just make things worse.

Don’t make him feel like he has to choose between his father and you. That will stress him up. Instead, see how you can support him on this journey. 

Recognise that he may be thinking that he has a few years with his dad, so apart from playing catch-up, he may be creating memories that he never had with him.

Let him know how happy you are for him that his relationship with his father is going on well, but let him also know how much the children and you miss him. 

Ask him how he would like to spend more time with you, his family, without interfering with what is going on between him and his father.

You could together come up with a plan of how this can be done so that it is a win for him and for the children and you.

That way, it will not be a matter of either or, but of both relationships benefitting. The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]