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Hi Achoki. I have been married for 10 years and have three children. All has been well in my marriage until I discovered my husband had a parallel family in Mombasa, where he used to work a couple of years ago. When I confronted him, he didn’t deny. He admitted he had been involved with an old girlfriend of his with whom they had a child with a while back. He felt it was his responsibility to take care of the child, and thus the other family. He feels bad about it and has reassured me that he is committed to us, as a family. The other woman is aware about us. I feel betrayed, but at the same time, I don’t want to give up on my marriage. What should I do? 

Our take

It is hard to deal with betrayal, especially when you have fully trusted someone with your heart. However, it is good your husband has not denied this fact. Now there is a child involved and credit goes to him for wanting to take responsibility for his actions. How many men would do that? 

The way he went about this, is what to me wasn’t right. He should have let you know as opposed to you discovering it yourself. But this is not an easy thing to do, it takes a lot of guts. Maybe he feared your reaction and was wondering how to get himself out of this. 

Now that everything has been exposed, how will he run the two families? Is his responsibility towards the other family for the child, mother, or both? Does he consider the other woman a wife or just the mother to his child? If the latter, then can you both devise a way of support? 

Since you don’t want to give up on your marriage, choose to forgive your hubby. Remember forgiveness is a choice; it is something you decide to do even when everything within you is crying out for revenge. Your feelings will follow your actions once you decide. After making that decision, you too need to reassure him of your commitment to him and that you are ready to work with him to find a workable solution to this problem. Let him know you are on his side and want to tackle this challenge as a team. 

But this does not mean that you ignore your feelings of betrayal. Let him know how his actions have hurt you. You might have all these questions running in your mind and you may ask him, but don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t give you some satisfactory answers. Sometimes men do things that when they look back, they are ashamed of. And that is why he needs your support. Infidelity should not mean the end of a marriage. Who knows, it could just be the beginning of something new in your marriage. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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