Hi Achokis. I recently got married. I love my husband and I know he is a good man.

My only problem is that he goes by what his family wants or suggests – sometimes even at the expense of what we have agreed as a couple.

His family’s opinion in many issues is important to him and if I don’t like it or disagree with him, he gets annoyed.

I fear this is going to affect our marriage. What do I do? Is this normal? Please advise on how we can go about it.

Thank you for reaching out for help. Adjusting in marriage can be difficult. At the end of the day, you both have a family where you came from.

What we don’t realise is that we bring a lot of things from our families into our marriage – that is the good, the bad and the ugly. When that happens, it is bound to bring conflict to the couple.

In your case, it is even more difficult because you are the one coming into this family as per the African beliefs.

So, you are expected to flow and adjust to your hubby’s family’s way of doing things. Coming from a close knit and tight family can be a good thing, but also a bad one.

Good because of family support, but bad because the interference from the extended family can ruin the marriage. 

Leave and cleave

Two people cannot cleave unless they first leave – it is obvious your husband has not really left his family, and that makes it hard for him to connect with and listen to you.

Leaving is not just geographical, but psychological and in terms of influence as well.

One can take advice from and listen to their parents, but they are not bound to do exactly what their parents or family say.

When you become an adult, you need to enter into an adult-adult relationship with your parents and not continue with an adult-child relationship. It looks like your husband hasn’t done so.  

Way forward

What do you do? In your good moments, try and make him see that actualising your suggestions is important to you.

This makes you feel part of the family. You need to respectfully, put your foot down, and be firm, in letting him realise that he now has his own family, which he needs to lead.

You need to let him know what you feel about what is happening without him feeling you are attacking him or his family. How do you do this?

Talk for yourself, use “I” statements stating how what is happening is making you feel. For example, “I feel rejected when we agree on something and you go ahead and do what your family suggests.” 

Hopefully, your hubby will realise this and change. If he doesn’t, then you can talk to someone he listens to, a friend, mentor, or relative.

Express your concerns and how you fear that it will affect your marriage.  The writers are marriage and relationship coaches. [email protected]