Hi Achoki’s

I have been married for nine years and have two children. My marriage has been okay, but of late, I feel like I’m struggling to have sex with my husband.

He has complained of being starved and even threatened to get someone else. I feel my husband doesn’t understand me.

He isn’t there for me —  he spends time at work, with his boys and family. He’s hardly home to spend time with me or support with the children.

I shared this with my aunt, who is also a close friend and she told me I must sacrifice for my husband.

How can I sacrifice for him by just meeting his needs, yet my needs and cries go unheard? Is that fair?

Please help.

Our take

Thank you for reaching out for help. Let’s start by acknowledging that in a marriage, both partners’ needs are legit and valid.

In fact, that’s one of the reasons we get married, so that our needs are met in the right way and the only person who can meet our relational needs ought to be our spouse.

Failure for them not meeting our needs leaves us vulnerable to outside temptation.

Meeting each other’s needs is also important because it’s only by so doing that we are motivated and yes, even willing to sacrifice to meet our spouse’s need.

You can only sacrifice so much and if your needs are not being met, you will break.

Marriage shouldn’t be one sided — it should be for mutual benefit where both partners make sacrifices for the betterment of the relationship. 

Mutual benefit

Contrary to what society or our culture thinks, sex is supposed to be for mutual benefit and not just something you do for the man. No wonder your aunts’ advice. 

What many men, not just your husband, don’t realise is that, one, sex is not just a physical activity. For women it is an emotional thing.

And so, if there’s no emotional connection with him, it becomes difficult for you to give him what he wants.

Secondly, for him to have his need met, he needs to be willing to also sacrifice to meet your needs.

When he does so, you will be motivated to meet his sexual needs and even sacrifice when not really in the mood. 

Meet each other’s needs

Threats won’t help the situation as you too can threaten him. Looking for someone else is not the answer.

You need to let him realise the above facts. Please do so without attacking him or belittling his need as that will make him feel despised and rejected. Try and help him see that you too have needs.

That it is difficult for you to connect with him intimately if your needs go unmet.

Help him see how this can be a win-win solution for both of you instead of the current situation where you feel it’s a win-lose one.  The writers are marriage and relationship coache [email protected]