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Four years after US couple Chari and Chip Kingsbury got married they were sent to Kenya as missionaries. The two first settled in Nyeri, where they ministered and started churches as well as taught in Bible schools between 1980 and 1993. But when Chari got to her 40s, a sense of dissatisfaction overwhelmed her. 

“When I got married, I was shy and quiet, but my husband had and still has a dominant and outgoing personality. So, it was kind of easy giving up my things and being overshadowed by his personality. At some point, this was my own crisis and I was really angry at him at first. I was feeling like what I was doing in a foreign country, I could still do it in the US, so why was I still here?” narrates the mother of three.

Struggle for life purpose

Many married women are sometimes forced to give up their careers, friends, dreams or passion for their families or to assist their spouses do their businesses. While some end up loving this compromise, there are others who feel like they have to find their purpose and add meaning to their lives. 

Chari shares how she was afraid to tell Chip that she wasn’t happy because he seemed to enjoy his missionary work and the new country. However, one time when they went for a break in the US, she shared her predicament with a pastor friend who encouraged her to talk with her husband.  

“We went out for dinner and I told him that I had something important to talk about. He just listened quietly and then we decided to pray about it till God gives me a vision on what He wanted me to do. We both started praying separately and one day, I shared with him what I wanted to do.

“I thought of starting mentorship programme for university students. That is how Ukarimu Ministries started through my husband’s help. We would help students with a variety of problems from stress over exams, to working through past issues in their families, to how to develop healthy, godly relationships,” she shares.

During this period of exploration, Chari discovered that she allowed things to happen in her life without setting boundaries. 

She took time to rediscover herself. The period was a bit painful for her husband as he wasn’t used to his wife saying ‘no’ or expressing opinions contrary to what he wanted to do.

“It was a tough period, but necessary and I thank my husband for being supportive through the process of exploration and discovery. I think in the end, since I was happy, he was happier too because he had a contented wife instead of an angry one,” says Chari.

Relationship expert Dayan Masinde observes that both men and women can easily lose themselves in marriage. “Largely because, many think that to love is to die to self-growth and  individual ambitions and yet marriage ought to provide an environment for you to be best version of you.

“The one who loves you, loved you for you and in marriage, they want you to continue being you. We live in a society where many idolise marriage and have made marriage their identity and meaning; marriage is a season of two whole individuals walking together without stopping to be whole. Don’t shelve your dreams and goals, complement them; you were created for more than marriage,” he explains.

Dayan says that the dangers of losing yourself in marriage is that it puts one in undue pressure, which leads to frustration. 

Much more than a spouse

“Over time, when you don’t make progress as a person in marriage, you will begin to develop low self-esteem and become insecure with your spouse, jealous towards your peers, self-sabotaging in your actions, harsh towards your children, bitter towards your friends, reckless in your decision making and even abusive or resentful towards your spouse.

“You will see your spouse as the reason your life stagnated, your voice shrank and you lost your way, yet personal growth is your personal responsibility; some things you cannot delegate,” he notes.

To avoid this, Dayan advises couples to find themselves and discover what contribution they want to make in the family and life.

“Find out what legacy you want to leave behind, what your values are, who are you besides the role of spouse and parent, how can you grow emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially and professionally? Share this with your spouse and find out your spouse’s individual potential too. Love you as you love your spouse, you cannot pour water from an empty jug. Make each other secure so that you can allow each other to grow without feeling suspicious or threatened; many times, spouses inhibit each other’s growth and voice due to insecurities. Don’t always wait for your spouse’s approval or validation; grow in every area, but grow without friction towards your  spouse — grow together,” he continues.

Fulfillment in vision

 Also, having a vision as a couple that can accommodate both your individual visions will also assist in fulfillment.

“Remember, marriage will not bring your fulfillment, if you are not fulfilled as an individual. Love is mutual, it is not just about looking after the interests of your spouse, but your interests too. Build a marriage that brings out the best in you,” he advices.

Chari shares how in 2008, the two decided to expand Ukarimu Ministries to not only deal with university students, but also family at large.  

“I was studying for my Master’s in Counselling Psychology and was preparing for my practical examination. A pastor told me to design some kind of a group counselling programme for troubled marriages. I managed to come up with a first group of three couples.

I was worried that no one would share their marriage issues in a group, but interesting enough, people were open enough to share their struggles. From that, we decided to expand our Ukarimu Mission to also cater for family needs. We began to offer marital and premarital and individual counseling, marriage enrichment seminars, parenting seminars among others,” she says..

Chari does not regret the direction her life and her family has taken, and the fact that she is impacting others leaves her fulfilled.