Ever met someone for the first time and the first thing they did was share something so incredibly personal that you were shocked? This has happened to me several times. I have met an elderly woman in a matatu who promptly told me about her wayward husband who would come home at odd hours of the night and smelling of strange perfume. I have been stuck in a lift with a man who shared how his girlfriend tried to make him grow boobs by sneaking oestrogen pills into his favourite meals after she realised he was never going to leave his first wife. 

All these encounters are examples of oversharing. But what prompts people to overshare and how can we differentiate between oversharing and the sharing, or mutual disclosure, needed to created bonds as seen in the initial stages of a relationship?

Sarah Changalwa, a counselling psychologist and the founder of Mentally Serene Hub explains that oversharing is the inappropriate disclosure of personal information, which stems from the need to get an interpersonal connection with another person or people. Oversharing can be intentional, when someone shares about themselves in order to attract a certain response or compulsive, when a person unconsciously shares too much personal information as a result of unresolved psychological trauma, low self-esteem, or as a by-product of growing up in a family where oversharing was the norm. 

These people lack interpersonal boundaries or have flexible boundaries meaning that some people will be more predisposed to sharing compared to others. In the context of relationships, some people overshare in the initial stages of the relationship in a bid to achieve a false sense of intimacy, seek solace, or fast track relationships. 

Relational threshold

All relationships, Sarah says,  both romantic and non-romantic require basic healthy levels of interpersonal disclosure as a basis for trust and rapport creation. Based on the nature of the relationships, individuals may share variable amounts of information based on their needs, desires, goals and commitment to the relationship. The appropriate amount of information to be shared considers interpersonal boundaries, individual values and needs that are case relevant.

Jackline Gathu, a leading counselling psychologist and therapist agrees with Sarah. She says  oversharing is sharing information beyond the relational threshold accepted by society.

“Sharing personal information is okay. The problem is when you share too much or with people who do not know you, or cannot help you. Many people who overshare have a victim mentality. Others are looking for support and for people who can identify with them. Others overshare because they enjoy the attention and validation they get. Others are seeking acceptance,” Jackline explains.

She further differentiates between sharing and trauma dumping. “Trauma dumping is oversharing about a traumatic event in an inappropriate place and inappropriate time to people who are not in a position to help. It is like being at a party and making small talk about sexual abuse that you or a friend experienced without any concern about how it might impact the people listening. Someone might have gone through a similar experience and your story could retrigger them,” she explains.

In the age of social media, oversharing is more common as the Internet allows people to share intimate details about their lives without the immediate judgement of physical interactions that can check and stall oversharing. While sharing trauma online can help find a support group of others who have gone through the same things that you have, it can be detrimental as it can trigger old wounds to re-open.

Trauma dumping online does not solve the issue, hence one should seek counselling even after sharing online and getting the catharsis that comes from online validation. The other issue with online trauma dumping is that the people just share their trauma without addressing it as in most cases they do not engage with a professional to address the prevailing issue. With this in mind, it is important to always check if you are oversharing or not right before you speak or post anything.

“Always think about the intention behind the information you are about to share. Is it for attention, is it a cry for help and is there someone better placed to hear you out? These questions will inform your decision to share the information or not,” Jackline advises.

Appropriate channels

With oversharing, you might put yourself in physical danger by revealing too much to the wrong person. You could alienate people who feel uncomfortable by the amount of personal information you share. And recounting your problems to people who don’t have your best interest in mind may lead them to take advantage of you.

Sarah agrees with this reiterating the importance of disclosing interpersonal information only to the appropriate individuals such as therapists, families or confidants to whom one’s safety is guaranteed. When interacting with a person who overshares, she advises the importance of communicating to the sharer how the information they are sharing is impacting you.

“Do not be afraid of guiding the oversharer on what you are comfortable hearing and what you are not comfortable with. It is important to communicate your level of discomfort by making them aware of how the information they are sharing makes you feel and how you would prefer they communicate the next time. Further, one can try to digress or introduce other topics that are not intrusive or deeply personal. You can also direct them to where they can get professional help if it is a deeply emotive and traumatic issue,” Sarah says in conclusion.