I’m 41 years and engaged to a woman aged 37. We have had a good relationship for three years and are planning to settle down.

We had a bad fight about finances the other day, which made me think twice about this marriage.

We are both employed, but have a joint business. Of late, she complains that I’m not responsible enough and business-minded.

Yes, she has her own car and is paying mortgage for her apartment, yet I have a better paying job and still paying rent.

I feel so useless and I’m wondering if she will respect me when we get married.  Should I take the risk or stop the relationship? Sam

Our take

Thank you Sam for reaching out.  Finances are usually a thorny issue in any relationship and it’s good that things are coming out now rather than later. 

From what you say, it seems that you are two different personalities with different values.

From the look of things, she’s a doer, a go-getter who will not stop at anything to achieve her goals.

You on the other hand are different, maybe not so much a risk taker and yes not business-minded and that is okay.

There should be a good enough reason as to why you are still paying rent though you earn more than her, but if it is just because you are not a good manager of your finances, then let this be a wake-up call. Instead of it making you feel useless, let it be a challenge. 

Work on your self-esteem

Your differences don’t mean that you can’t settle down together in marriage – in fact if used well and with professional help, can make you a great team going forward.

You both need to be aware of this and see how you can adapt and adjust well to each other. 

Opposites attract, but after relating for a while, we forget to see how we complement each other with our different personalities and so try to change the other person to be like us. That’s why we have conflict.

On whether or not to take the risk, two things are important: One is to accept yourself, and not allow yourself to feel useless.

You need to have a positive self-esteem that is not dented by what others say or think about you.

You also don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel less of a person.

Important questions

Secondly you must be honest with yourselves and with each other. Are you secure enough and willing to allow your woman’s strengths complement your ‘weaknesses’?

Is she willing to take you the way you are, (in terms of your personality not character issues that need to be changed)? 

Do you feel motivated to adapt and adjust in those areas that she’s pointing out to you?

If your answer to the above questions is an absolute YES, then you can take the risk and proceed, if it is a resounding NO, then slow down. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches, [email protected]