Guys, do you always find yourself trying to prove you are right? Does your wife complain how you are always trying to defend yourself? Well, I have experienced this in my own marriage and with the many couples Grace and I coach.

According to marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, getting caught up in explaining why one person’s perspective is right and the other person is wrong is one of the most unhealthy communication dynamics that people can enter into in relationships.

Defending ourselves is a natural instinct, especially if we feel threatened. It’s like seeing a huge snake in the grass, your natural reaction will be to fight, flee or freeze. That’s what happens when we feel threatened in a conversation. When we feel attacked, blamed, criticised or judged, we defend ourselves either by putting up a wall or hitting back.

This is why it is important to raise issues with your partner in such a way as not to make them feel attacked, blamed, criticised or even judged.

But it is also important for us who are on the receiving end, to listen with an open mind without getting defensive. When we do so, it not only makes our partner feel heard, but it also helps us to understand where they are coming from. Our intentions good as they may be, sometimes leaves our partner feeling unloved or not cared for.

There’s never a doubt about those intentions, but how they are perceived or what they made the other person feel is what matters. If we fail to listen to them becoming defensive instead, we communicate to them that what they felt doesn’t matter, and yet it does.

Defending ourselves is always at the expense of making our partner feel that their needs and emotions matter.  So, next time you find yourself going on the defensive, reframe your mind-set.

Stop and ask yourself, what is my partner trying to communicate with me?  Find at least one part of their concern that you can take responsibility for. Remember it’s not about right or wrong, or about looking good, so relax.