Hi Achokis.

I have been married for eight years and have two daughters. I recently discovered that my husband cheated on me and that the other woman is now expecting his baby.

I had always suspected that my hubby was not faithful, but I had no evidence.

So, the other day I was looking for a number on his phone when I came across a text message from this other woman.

I confronted him immediately and he admitted and apologised to me. I couldn’t take it, so I told him I was going to leave. He has begged me for a second chance.

I don’t think I’m ready to give him another chance. Should I stay or should I leave him? 

Our take

Should you stay or should you go? That’s a question many people who find themselves in your situation ask.

It is a valid question, but you don’t have to answer it now. You are still in shock and traumatised to think objectively at this time seeing that you have only come to this realisation. The fact that a baby is involved further complicates the issue.

Infidelity, or loss of faithfulness in a marriage is like death. You can’t just wish it away and think that you will move on.

You need to absorb the shock of what you have just discovered. Then you need to process this by letting yourself feel the pain and grieve that loss.

Now, we can’t tell you exactly how long this takes as it may differ from person to person.

But of course you cannot mourn forever. One of the emotions that will well up in you at this time is anger.

You will feel like hitting back, revenge or moving out and leaving him. That’s what is probably going on in you and that is okay as long as you don’t act on those emotions. That’s why we are telling you not to make that decision now.

It’s not your fault

It is important for you to work with someone else who will help you go through the emotional pain. You cannot do it alone.

Don’t be quick to say you have forgiven him before you fully process what has happened.

Forgiveness is asked for genuinely by the offender. It is a choice you, the offended person must make.

And forgiveness is not a one-time thing. It will take time for you to heal. It’s also important that you don’t let this affect your self-esteem. It’s not your fault, it is the choice he made. 

The other thing to take into consideration is, how remorseful he is. What is he doing to make amends for his mistake?

Has he cut off that relationship or it is still an ongoing concern? Was this a one-time thing or this has been his behaviour?

The answers to these questions coupled with how he behaves going forward will enable you make the decision of whether or not to leave.  – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]