Hi Achokis. 

I’m a 35-year-old single mother of two. They have different fathers, though I was never married to any of them. 

I’m in love with an older guy and we have been in a relationship for two years.

My problem is that the guy loves me very much and promised to marry me, but is not interested in my children.

He doesn’t talk to them much and I wonder if he is just after me. I don’t want to lose him. What do I do? Will he change and start loving them?

Our Take

It is good that you are in love and enjoying your new relationship. It is also great that you have been observant and noticed that your guy doesn’t like your children.

It is easier to handle this now instead of ignoring it and going ahead to get married and struggle with it later.  

We all come into a relationship with baggage. The difference is that some are visible, like in your case, while others are not.

Have you ever confronted him on this issue? If one is not ready to take you up with your baggage, then probably he doesn’t really love you.

But before we judge him harshly, it could also be that he wasn’t prepared for this and so is struggling to accept the fact that the woman he loves has children from other men.

Is it that he is fearing the financial burden that comes with this? Is he afraid of what his friends or family will say?

Is he just not good with children? All these things can only be determined if you raise these questions with him.

A benefit of doubt

Whatever it is, he may need time to wrap his mind around this reality. And so you may have to give him time to see if that happens.

Secondly, you must also not be willing to compromise your values, especially where these children are concerned.

Let him know that they are part and parcel of your life. You must make it clear to him that if he wants, you he must be ready to have the full package. Give him time to decide what he really wants.

Assure him that you are willing to facilitate his relationship with your children so that he can easily be integrated into your single family. Observe also how your children react or respond to him.

Let him know all about the children’s fathers and if at all they are involved in their lives.

Take your time 

Don’t overlook your children, whether you love your man or you are just happy with the idea of getting married.

If he can’t love your children now, he won’t later. We suggest that you have a serious discussion with him to iron out this issue.

Even if he tells you that he is willing to take you and your children, take time to observe how this happens over a period of time before saying “I do”.

Make the choice wisely thinking through all those scenarios.  – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches —  [email protected]