Hi Achokis. 

I have been in a relationship for the past two years.  My fiancée and I have shared a lot about our pasts, but I’m still struggling with the fact that she has procured an abortion twice in her previous relationships.

I’m wondering how this will affect us when we settle down. Why can’t a woman just carry a pregnancy and give it up for adoption if one doesn’t want it.  This is so evil.  I love her, but can’t trust her.  What should I do?

-Ali

Our take

Thank you Ali for your question. It is good that within two years, you have been open with each other including your past mistakes. This is highly commendable though usually risky.

We all want to put our best foot forward and try as much as possible to hide our evil past as we fear to be rejected. So many people pretend and do everything possible to make sure their dark past is completely concealed.

But so often, it is this dark past, the skeletons in the closet that come haunting us in marriage.

You also have a past

The first thing to do, is to be compassionate about your fiancée. You too, shared some things with her concerning your past and you don’t know if there is one that greatly troubled her.

We all have baggage and bring them into our relationships. How would you feel if she also took what you shared and used it against you?

As they say, those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. So, before you judge her about her past, think twice. 

The second thing to do is to find out why she did what she did. There could be genuine reasons, however they may seem unreasonable to you.

Find out why and if the reasons are really valid, then try and understand her. The question is, is she remorseful about it?

Is it something she regrets doing or is proud of? That would communicate an issue of values.

It is evident for you that it is something you abhor no wonder you are struggling with it.

If you don’t agree on things you both feel strongly about, then there’s no need proceeding with the relationship.

You are in denial

Thirdly, express your appreciation for her sharing with you this information, but let her know your own struggles with what she has shared with you.

Let her know your fears concerning the same. You can only trust her moving forward if you are able to have honest conversations about this, sharing your own fears, expectations and the potential danger this knowledge has in your future together. What are your fears? 

You may still be in shock and denial about what was shared and may need time with the help of a professional to process this well and accept it.

If you do, and since you say you love your fiancée, you might as well include her in this journey as this may still be haunting her as well. – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]