Hello Achokis.

I have been married for the last 18 years. My husband and I have well-paying jobs.

Last year, I was in a deep financial fix and I requested my husband to help me out, but he said he didn’t have money.

He has also failed to take care of his share of responsibilities at home. I recently discovered he had taken a huge loan and is putting up a house.

When I confronted him, he said he wanted to surprise me with it.  As much as I would want to be happy about this, I also find myself wondering why he didn’t tell me this on the onset.

This has caused a lot of tension in our relationship. What do I do? 

Our take

Thank you for your question. Taking a huge loan and putting that money in building you a house would have been good if only you had discussed and agreed on it.

Here you are in a financial fix and your partner is investing his money on something for you.

It’s like wanting some money to pay your rent and your friends are busy buying you some expensive gift instead.

Yes, though you may appreciate the expensive gift, that is not what you would want at that moment. 

Having struggled like you did financially and yet your man was busy channeling resources to this other project must have left you with a bitter taste in your mouth.

A friend in need is a friend in deed and in your hour of need, your husband failed you.

So, instead of rejoicing over this ‘surprise’, you are wishing you knew this all along. 

Financial infidelity

The other thing you may be wondering about this ‘surprise’ is, what if he changed it to be a surprise for you just because you found out, but it was originally meant to be someone else’s?

When your man is not taking care of his share of responsibilities in the home, yet he has a good job, you as the spouse can be tempted to become suspicious.

You will start imagining that he is someone else’s sponsor. Infidelity in marriage often starts with financial infidelity.

It is important as a married couple to be open and transparent about our finances because you might be putting a lot of finances into something, yet your spouse is in serious need of the same finances.

There is nothing wrong with surprises, but they should be within a certain agreed amount.

You will thus need to sit down with your loved one and let him know that as much as you are happy with and appreciate his desire and efforts to build you a house, you are struggling with that idea because of the above reasons.

Have a candid conversation with him about this and let him know how you feel about it.The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]