Hi Achokis. I have been married for three years and my wife and I have one son. I recently had an affair with our house help and my wife got to know about it. I admitted to her my mistake and apologised. But she is still pissed off. I know that I have wronged my wife and don’t want to lose her. How can I resolve this issue? Please help me.

Wafula

Hi Wafula, thank you for reaching out for help. Whatever happened was definitely not easy for your wife. It is good that you didn’t deny it, but admitted and apologised for it. However, realise that cheating on your wife with her house help hurt her deeply. For a woman, her husband sleeping with another woman is bad enough, but him sleeping with someone who is her employee so to speak, is very demeaning. This has greatly embarrassed her, leave alone the fact that you betrayed her. It will not be an easy thing for her. That is why she is pissed off.  

Give her time to process what has happened and don’t rush her to move on. She needs to process her hurt and come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness before she can move on. So, it will not be easy or a quick thing, it will take some time. She may flare up from time to time or ask you many questions. Allow her the space and time to do so. Try answering honestly every question she asks you and if you can’t, just let her know. 

Don’t rush her to forgive you

Ask what she would want you to do to help her heal and to forgive you. Be patient with her and vulnerable with her as well. Share your own predicament and how you feel about letting her down in this way. Let her know that you are willing to go by whatever she desires as a way forward. One of the things should be letting the house help go. Of course, this will add another stress to her because she would need another to take care of the home.

Because of her hurt, she may say things that she doesn’t really mean that may also hurt you. Don’t react, but rather see it as her way of venting, which is good for the process of healing.

Keep talking, keep apologising

Don’t take what she says personally, but also don’t just dismiss what she says. Don’t make any rash decisions now as she is not in a state of mind to do so. Keep talking with her and apologising to her.

This is not something that you can handle on your own — professional help will be required. Suggest to her that you go for counselling because you both need help. You need to understand why you did what you did so that this doesn’t recur again and she needs to also understand this and find healing for her emotional wellbeing. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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