Hi Achokis, 

I have been married for 27 years and have two children aged 22 and 19 years. Since April this year, I have had very little talks with my husband.

He just sits in the house doing his work on the laptop as I also work. Our children are also busy with their college work.

It has been a quiet house. Now that we don’t talk, I don’t see the need of heeding to his sexual need, when he asks for it.

But I’m worried because he has asked only twice since December last year and seems disconnected. Please help.

Our take

You are beginning to experience an empty nest syndrome in your marriage as the children are now grown and busy with their own lives.

That leaves just your husband and you. If you hadn’t cultivated a habit of spending time together, this can be a challenging time. Loneliness sets in.

Covid-19 has complicated the situation further because you can’t even socialise with other people.

The pandemic has also impacted our lives to a great extent and if we haven’t learned to cope and adjust, it can even affect our relationship.

How we deal with this transition is important and may be different for each person.

What we are experiencing is a new normal and with that, some sort of loss. Your husband might be dealing with loss of not seeing his colleagues or missing his work space or he could have had a pay cut.

This could have affected him tremendously—even his sex life.This is a sensitive area for a man. 

It is important not to assume what the problem is. So often, a woman may jump into conclusion that her man is seeing someone else while he is just stressed out. 

Vicious cycle 

What does he talk about or complain about when you are both in a talking mood? Could it be that he is tired of asking for it?

Men connect sexually just as women connect emotionally. So if there’s no sex, the man disconnects and by disconnecting from you emotionally it becomes difficult for you to connect with him sexually. This vicious cycle can kill a marriage. 

So, you need to find out what’s happening in his life. The approach here matters. Approach him with an assurance and desire to help.

Let him know how this thing has also affected you and how it is important that you connect during these tough times. 

With this in mind, why not give in sexually with the hope that he will also connect emotionally?