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When Sylvia Muthoni Gichohi, a customer relations guru and digital marketing consultant noticed that her seven-year-old son was hanging out with a particular girl for a while, she sensed that there was something more that she needed to find out about the relationship. 

“He one day asked me if I was single and I said ‘yes.’ I asked him whether he was and he paused. He later on asked me whether I would reprimand him if he told me who the lucky girl was! We had to do a pinky promise that I wouldn’t do that. He shared her name confirming my suspicions,” recalls the single mother. 

The girl in question was their next-door neighbour and despite the fact that Sylvia wasn’t surprised, going through the same experience when she was young made her understand her son. “Back in the days when I was in Class One, I liked this young Maasai boy, who I wanted to play with and be around most of the time. So, definitely I understood what he meant. I wasn’t worried because I knew it was platonic,” she says. 

Learning experience

Sylvia’s son was keen on how he looked every time he went to play at the neighbour’s house. The girl, too was a topic of conversation most of the times. Now she is teaching her son about relationship using this as her foundation even as he grows older.

“I have taught him about having boundaries. I tell him it is okay to play together, but not to kiss or touch each other’s genitals. We agreed that there would be no bringing any of his friends to the bedroom. He once told me that he would let the girl know when they were both grown-ups and not now since they are still young,” she says. 

Experts say that children commonly have their first crush when they are five or six years. Younger children focus their love on their family. But as they enter kindergarten they feel affection for their classmates, or other children, who they spend time with. First loves and crushes for children aged four to 11 years are therefore, not really “romantic.” The stories of young love are more about strong connection in a sibling friendship way. Early infatuations usually don’t last long and many children get over them quickly.

Psychologist Elmard Rigan says having crushes is a healthy thing,and just a stage in life. The issue comes when that period is not navigated with wisdom. One of the hardest parts of handling your child’s first crush, is accepting that your little one is growing up. Instead of resisting this natural part of your child’s development, accept that it’s happening and support your child.

“The first thing a parent should do is to accept and appreciate the fact that the child has identified with someone of the opposite sex. The mistake that many parents do is to dismiss them or reprimand them, not knowing that when they do that, they damage a child’s self-esteem and ego,” explains Rigan. 

Help your pre-school-age child deal with a crush by having an ongoing dialogue from a young age, doing so in a way she/he can understand about being respectful of her own body and herself. Then, as your child ages into the pre-teen and teen years, keep talking.When hormones kick in, children have more of a physical response to a crush and that can be confusing because they have already got so much going on emotionally—from trying to figure out their identity to how to fit in socially, academically and within the family.

Setting boundaries

“Keep the conversation going and educate your children with an open mind,” he says. 

Most of the times, the children are scared of letting parents know about their crush. 

“Don’t rush them to tell you the person they have a crush on, or where they met. Let it be at their own pace because the more they feel comfortable with you, the more they will feel safe to share their feelings. Share with your child how it was for you when you had a crush, what was different, how it felt like. By doing this, you are making them understand that it’s normal,” Rigan says. 

Rigan concurs with Sylvia on the importance of monitoring and setting boundaries. Tweens and teens in reciprocal crushes can take things to the extreme by chatting for a long time or spending a lot of their free time with each other. Set boundaries, such as curfews and limits on computer and phone time, to help your child balance his responsibilities with his social life. 

Cause for alarm

The expert advises that if you sense that your child is too involved  —obsessing about his crush, spending too much time together, not spending time with friends, not concentrating on school work— he may need professional help to sort out why the crush has become obsessive. It could be a sign of something else that’s going on in his life. Children might cling to a crush if things are rocky at home between their parents, they are struggling in school for the first time or something’s going on in their social circle. 

Sylvia also advises parents not to comment on their child’s crush in front of other siblings and worse, their children’s friends. “Such insensitivity always results in embarrassments and undermines your child’s confidence. If he can trust you with the information, honour them by keeping it secret,” she says 

Sylvia adds that while there is a temptation to micromanage the child and advise them on what to do and whether to let the crush know or not, one should avoid fanning the flames. “Also, encourage them to have connections with other playmates beyond the boy or girl that they have a crush,” she adds.  

 If your child asks for a sleepover with their crush, say ‘no’ but in a respectful way.  “Always be aware that your child can be crushed by any decision you make with regards to their crush, so be sensitive about it. No matter what happens, never belittle, shame or insult your child for experiencing something that’s natural,” says Silvia in conclusion.