Hi Achokis.

I have been married for two years. The problem is that of late, we always argue.

Whenever that happens, my husband can be quiet for a whole week until I bring up the matter again and apologise.

I keep wondering why I’m the only one who seeks reconciliation. Is it that he is not interested in the marriage?

Could it be that I’m the one who is always wrong? Is it normal for a woman to always be the one to bring up issues? 

Our take

Few couples would admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. So, it is not a matter of avoiding them, but how you deal with them.

Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. So it’s upon individual couples to choose how they would react when conflicts arise.

Having said that, conflict is never a matter of right or wrong. It’s a matter of perspectives, based on our backgrounds, our personalities and our gender. We tend to see things differently from each other.

Research shows that there is a 60 per cent chance in every marriage that it is the women who bring up issues that need to be resolved.

This is because women are more relational and openly show their emotions when things are not going well in the relationship. 

Be careful 

Guys on the other hand are more task oriented and have been socialised not to be in touch with their emotions.

So, it is not that he is not interested in the marriage, it’s only that maybe he doesn’t know how to start that conversation.

It could also be because of his big ego, so he doesn’t want to be the first to acknowledge that he was wrong as that for men, is a sign of weakness.

Guys are also not as verbose as women, they are short of words to say and are more likely to withdraw or become defensive during conflict. 

We are not trying to excuse men here, but trying to help you understand your hubby.

He needs to know that it is okay for him to show emotion and that it doesn’t make him any less of a man to apologise. He needs to allow your influence in his life. 

Don’t tire in bringing up the issues, only be careful on how and when you bring them up.

Ensure you provide him with a safe space and hopefully, he will learn and gather the courage to be vulnerable with you.

Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting and adjusting to your differences, defeating selfishness and focusing on the problem rather than the person. 

Focusing on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing.

It might just help to get outside help to walk through the issues you are going through because you can’t do it alone.

You also need to agree upon a code of conduct when arguments arise. Watch what you say and do and ensure that you maintain respect and love for each other. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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