After matching on Tinder with this guy, Silvia Achieng opted to meet him face to face and see if something could come out of it. But when they met, Silvia was disappointed with how things went.

“We had nothing to talk about except how the weather was and why it hasn’t rained for a long time. The talk too was punctuated with long silences and I kept wondering when I would head home,” she narrates.

Obviously, her date didn’t go well and henceforth, she decided not to go further with the relationship. “Why can’t people learn to have meaningful conversations? Why can’t they replace the mindless chatter with questions that reveal who we are and where we are going?” she poses.

Social lubricant

By definition, small talk is a polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions, often between people who do not know each other well. They are conversations to pass time or filters that can be used to approach more meaningful conversations. Many people find it comfortable to engage in small talk instead of jumping directly into a big talk. Others too, find it relaxing to just get to know someone.

“Small talk is a conversation with a stranger. It’s about finding out whether someone is a potential client, partner or maybe they might offer you a job. Many youths do not have skills to physically talk with strangers, especially because they are used to chatting on various messaging apps and spend long hours on them than in meeting people,” says psychologist and relationship expert Chris Hart.

While some people hate small talk and find it baseless, psychologists argue that it is significant as it assists strangers to bond, helping them discover what they have in common. If used right, small talk can be just as important as deep conversations.

“People say that they hate small talk while it can actually be used to tell red flags early in a relationship. What people need to do is to get better in small talk to pick up the warning signs long before you get serious with one another. By the time you finish the small talk, you should be at a place where you can practically marry the person on the spot and nothing would go wrong,” he explains.

Chris adds that people who say that they hate small talk lack social skills. This is usually advanced by the fact that social skills are not taught in schools, yet they are one of the most important lessons in the world. People who engage in regular chit-chat have better well-being and stronger relationships since small talk is a social lubricant and the base of any relationship.

“By the time you reach 18 years, one should be exceptionally good in making conversations since everything that will happen in your life flows from how good you are in creating conversations. It’s not just about meeting a new boyfriend, but also finding a new job. By the time you leave school you should know how you talk to a stranger or people that you go out with. You should be able to discern whether someone is a good person in the first five minutes you are talking to them,” says Chris.

The most common personalities who hate small talks are the introverts since they are more energised by ideas and solutions. They are also not social beings with some only comfortable hanging out with people from their small circle. When it comes to extroverts, the social butterflies, they find it easier to have small talks as it enables them to learn people in conversations.

Practice makes perfect

“Many introverts tend to dread small talk and they worry that the conversation will be awkward, boring, or that they’ll run out of things to say. In today’s world, especially in cocktail parties, networking events or while taking coffee at work, one may require a brief exchange of pleasantries,” explains Chris.

To be great at this, Chris advises people to practice a lot and start holding conversations with people they don’t know.

“It’s easier to practice this since there are plenty of people paid to do small talk with strangers. For instance, when you buy a pair of shoes, don’t just ask about the shoes — you can talk about other stuff such as weather to break ice. This makes you fluent in starting small conversations and with strangers,” Chris advises.

Another thing, he shares, is to develop a set of expectations or outcomes of conversation that you would desire to investigate in your small talk with someone and ask them directly, especially if it’s someone that you are eyeing to date.

Strategies that work

“For example, you might want to know whether someone does anything for a living. You can start first by asking a few innocent questions about what they do. If a woman is a single mother and she’s just met this nice guy, she should be able to drop the fact that she has a child in the first meet without seeming like she’s dropping a point. While some guys won’t be excited about it, others will and that will be a win for you. You can’t hide children, so better to say it from the beginning,” continues Chris.

There are four strategies that will assist an individual make small talk in any situation. The first is to ask open ended questions about themselves. “We are our favourtite subjects — it’s also easier to discuss yourself than something you know little about.  Would it be easier talking about an ancient book, which you don’t know about or about some exciting stuff that you have done? Open-ended questions generate an interesting, dynamic conversation and encourage the person you’re speaking with to open up,” he explains

It is also good to practice active listening. It is much easier to ask questions and get more details if you were attentive than if you were not listening with one ear. While it’s tempting to tune out occasionally, one will find out that paying attention will ensure that they forge much stronger connections since the other person will appreciate the fact that they are engaged in the conversation.

Consider putting away your phone during conversations. “We tend to pull out our phones when we are feeling uncomfortable or awkward in social set-up, but this is not good as it sabotages one’s conversational efforts more quickly. Many people interpret it as being antisocial and that you are not ready to talk to anyone,” notes Chris.

One should show enthusiasm even if it’s a small talk. “Despite the fact that you might not enjoy small talk, with the right attitude and with the goal of desiring to want to know the other person better, such conversations will enable you to learn more about people. You never know whom you will meet through the conversation,” he says in ending.