At 33, Emma Mwangi, a lawyer in Nairobi says she will never get married. Her reason? She has never liked being told what to do or having to answer anybody.

“I grew up with three sisters. I am the middle child, but I like to be in control more than even our firstborn sister. Our mother got a Green Card and went to the US a long time ago, so, despite our father trying his best, the truth is, we raised ourselves. So, for a man to come into my life and expect to tell me to do this or that, ask me where I am all the time or expect me to ask him for permission when I want to go out, is crazy,” Emma says.

It is said that independent women who have lived on their own and provided for themselves for a long time are the most difficult to have as wives, and maybe it could be true. But in the spirit of submissiveness, is it ever okay to have to ask for your spouse’s okay before doing anything?

Ruth Maingi, a marriage counsellor with the Kenya Association of Professional Counsellors (KAPC) says that in the African setting, the wife especially feared the husband. “There are also some men who fear their wives, but that is brought up by other issues such as an imbalance of power, based on who the provider is. For women, however, it is more a societal malfunction, where women confuse respect and fear. They were raised seeing their mothers fear their fathers and learn that is how to respect men,” says Ruth.

She adds, “Asking for permission need not be seen as disrespect. However it should be done as a courtesy, and the partner should see it as such —one partner should not feel like he/she has the power to grant their spouses wishes or deny them.”

Staying engaged

Asking for permission helps keep the spark alive in marriage. “It’s no mistake that we call our pre-marital season “engagement.” When we were engaged, we planned our wedding, dreamt about our future, spent every moment we had together, and we were excited about what God had in store for us. The engagement should never stop.  Marriage calls for deeper engagement between husband and wife, and asking for permission and insight from one another is a big part of staying connected,” says Beatrice Nderitu a counselling sociologist.

She adds: “When you are married for a long time, it sometimes feels as though you have to ask your spouse for permission to do things. For example, you might be at a restaurant and say, “I’m going to the bathroom.” You aren’t asking permission, you are letting your spouse know where you are going. It’s another way to connect. For example, imagine after you leave for the bathroom (and you are gone a long time because there is a queue) and your friends ask your partner where you went, and your partner has no idea, what message does that send to the table (you aren’t close?) and how might that feel to your partner?”

When we ask for our partner’s permission before deciding to do things, such as having a girls’ night out, watching the game with the guys, taking on another job, changing jobs, switching daycares, going back to school… the expert says we get more perspective and insight from each other and make a more informed decision.  We help each other weigh the pros and cons to decide if something is a good fit or at the right time. 

“Sure, different scenarios require different input from your spouse, but all are important enough to discuss as a couple. For instance, let’s say you have been offered a promotion at work that will require you to work additional hours. If you want to take the job, you can do it even without discussing it with your spouse. However, your spouse might have insight that may or may not affect your decision. They know you better than many people and they can, therefore, give you feedback others can’t give you — they are the ones that hear you complain about certain aspects of your job and if your new position would increase these tasks at work, your partner might be able to point them out, whereas you might be caught up in the pride of being promoted and not realise what it comes with it.

Also, informing your significant others of what you are doing or where you want to go can help you in case of trouble. “If for instance, you said you would be late because you are attending an event somewhere, and your spouse happens to get an update of a car accident on that route from social media, she/he can reach out and look for you in good time. We have heard cases of spouses who disappeared, but their significant others get to know about it days or weeks later,” she observes.

Another reason to consult with your partner is that they shouldn’t ever hear about a big decision from a third party. They should hear it from you before you make the decision and especially before the decision is known to anyone else.

“By the third party, I mean they shouldn’t get a call/text saying ‘congratulations on your spouse’s promotion.’ How might you feel if your spouse told everyone in the world about something important to them, and they told you last? Now, you might not have told everyone in the entire world, however, they will most likely feel like that,” she notes.

Addressing negativity

What if my spouse is negative and/or not supportive? “If you don’t talk to your partner because of their reactions (or your feelings about their reactions), then it is either time for individual therapy (for you) or couples’ therapy (for both of you). During individual therapy, you could address your feelings about their reactions. Perhaps you can learn to stand up for yourself more. Or perhaps you can learn how to listen to your spouse better (depending on the root of the issue). During couples therapy, you could learn to communicate better together so that you each learn ways to make the other person feel heard and valued during your conversations. You should be each other’s “go-to” person, and if you don’t feel that way, then I would recommend consulting with a therapist,” Nderitu explains.