Christmas is one of the best times when majority of men prefer to finally take women they intend to marry to their parents for introduction. It is the right time maybe because all family members gather for the festivities and this gives the man an opportunity to introduce his fiancé to everyone at the same time.

However, others believe men use the December holiday to take their women home, where everyone will gauge, “rate her” and give their opinions on whether she makes a good wife or the man has to go back to the market.

Mwanasiti Kisaghi says most of the introductions that happen during the festive season are meant for the family to tick on some likeable wife checklist and confirm on whether the girl is a ‘wife material’ or not.

She says once the girl lands in the village, both the man and his family have high expectations of the girl and when she falls short of what they expect, the girl is often termed lazy or disrespectful.

“Most families still expect a humble girl with short and unpolished nails who will be able to wash dishes and big sufurias. They expect you to cook with smoky firewood like a traditional woman. They say these are typical traits of a good wife, but I wonder who measures the good traits of the man,” she ponders.

Kisaghi says the only thing women should do before being taken to the husband’s family is to acquaint themselves with the man’s culture and traditions.

Respect, the best skill

She says this should most concern women who come from different communities with their fiancées and are new to these traditions, to avoid finding themselves in awkward moments in front of their in-laws, which might be interpreted as lack of respect.

“Like in my Taita community, a daughter-in-law cannot sit in the same place with her father-in-law and anything contrary to that is perceived as disrespect to the in-laws. This is one of the strongest traditions that has stayed alive for generations now,” she notes.

She also says the girl is also expected to be a good cook, especially of the Coastal delicacies, a proof that she will not starve her husband when they get married. She says one of the foods loved in her community is kimanga’ (a mashed combination of beans plus either cassava, sweet potatoes, pumpkins, or bananas) which any woman getting married to a Taita-bred man ought to learn to cook.

 Pili Samir says even though majority of the traditions in her Mijikenda community are no longer strictly followed, the demand for respect from the woman is paramount for her to be accepted in the man’s family.

 “You do not expect your man’s family to be happy with you when you dress skimpily, yet it’s a respectful family. Potential wives to Mijikenda men should always remember that respect is everything. Respect to our traditions, to our foods, to our lifestyles…,” she notes.

She says any woman who expects to start a family with a Mijikenda man should start familiarising herself with Coastal foods and depending on the community, should brace for some of the weird ones.

“The Giriama consume rats, which they commonly refer as Kadzora and for someone new, that might come as a surprise. Therefore, a woman should be ready for that and if they are not willing to consume it, they should respectfully turn it down,” she says.

In the Luo community where fish is majorly part of every meal, a woman should equip herself with kitchen skills of how to prepare these much-loved protein-filled delicacies. According to the natives, women who know how to prepare omena or fry fish are likely to score high with her in-laws compared to those who do not have an idea of how these delicacies should be prepared.

Omena, which are small fish that are dried to be cooked later, mostly contain sand and require special skills to handle them, especially when it comes to washing them. A minor mistake might make them inedible due to sandy contents or bitterness that is imminent if they are not thoroughly washed.

The same applies for fish, which is one of the most preferred white meat in these side of the country.

 While the Luo want their “wives” to be skillful in fish and omena preparation, their brothers from the Western side would highly favour women getting married to their men to be hands on when it comes to preparation of Ugali and chicken commonly referred as Ighokho. Traditionally, chicken stew is one of the best meals in this community and must be accompanied with Ugali.

Even though the husband’s family would not say it openly, they will mostly prefer a woman who can get down and prepare this sumptuous meal of chicken and brown ugali or ugali made from unsifted flour, which needs special skills and patience to prepare.

Learn if you don’t know

But marriage counsellor, Dr Micheal Mbiriri says aside from respect, a woman should use her time well in learning basic culture and traditions, especially if it is a cross-ethnic marriage.

“She should learn how to conduct herself around the in-laws and also where to draw the boundaries. She should also talk less and observe more and understand the in-laws,” he notes.

Contrary to the notion that the potential wife should just take in every house chores or work thrown to her, Mbiriri says the women should air their views if they feel they are being overworked or being exploited.

The counsellor adds, “They should not accept being bullied or overworked just to prove themselves to their in-laws or impress them. They should instead be genuine and authentic from the start.”

The doctor says authenticity of the woman will give her room to learn what she does not know, especially when it comes to meal preparation.