Hi Achokis. I recently got married to this man who had lost his wife some years ago. We started off well.

I adopted his two teenage children as my own. But of late, things have not been that good between us.

The guy gets easily agitated, goes into fits of rage and can be difficult to deal with. His expectations of me as a wife are so high and he is very protective of the children.

I’m scared that he may get physical and I’m constantly tiptoeing around him because I don’t know what I might do wrong to spark his anger. I’m confused. What should I do?  – Ann

Our take

Thank you Ann for reaching out for help. The loss of a loved one can be devastating.

If we don’t grieve that loss well, we may think that we have moved on, but the effects of not dealing well with that loss may come to bite us.

So often, we don’t process our loss well, especially men. Men have been socialised not to show their emotions.

They look tough, while on the inside they are breaking down. They don’t talk about what they are feeling or going through with others, and keep the pain to themselves.

What we don’t realise is that pain that is not transformed through proper grieving, is transmitted.

Dangers of not grieving

The person or people  who bear the brunt of not properly dealing with our pain are those closest to us.

They deflect their pain to us, making our lives miserable. That’s where you find yourself with your husband.

The excess anger could be a sign of some underlying issues that he may not even be aware of.

He could be bitter with something or someone ­— maybe even bitter with God for taking away his spouse.

He could be hurting from that loss; the loss of a future together, the loss of a dream.

He may also be unconsciously comparing you with his dead wife, thus putting upon you undue pressure to meet certain expectations.

He feels responsible for his children and thus the over-protectiveness. 

Let him go for therapy

What should you do? First and foremost, try to let him be aware of this. Do so in a way that is not judgmental or appears to be conclusive. Bring it up as a concern, as something that is bothering you.

Suggest, don’t tell him that he needs to go for therapy to help him deal with his issue. You can even suggest that you go together as it may also help you as well.

If you find it hard to do so, or if he doesn’t listen to you, then talk to his close friend or someone he respects and trusts.

Let them try and convince him to go for therapy as this may just help him process his grief well or identify what the real issue is.  – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches, [email protected]