Hi Achokis,

My wife and I have been married for four years. After the birth of our second born, my wife stopped talking to me.

She became aggressive and full of anger. This has gone to the point of her not serving me food in the house.

It’s been seven months since I last tasted her honey pot. Whenever I try bringing up peace or solve the issue, my efforts are futile.

Kindly help me with suitable method of approach so that we can end our over stayed conflict. 

Out take

Thank you for seeking help to overcome this impasse. Inability to handle conflict well is one of the major things destroying many marriages today.

Conflict is bound to happen in any authentic relationship. However how that conflict is handled, can lead to greater intimacy or a stalemate in the relationship.

Go back to where the rain started beating you. What might have happened? What was she going through or complaining about?

Your wife may have undergone a postpartum depression after giving birth to your second child.

Taking care of a baby coupled with trying to balance housework and her job if she is working could have been too much for her. 

Is it that you were not there for her, helping her with the household chores when she needed you most?

She probably felt you didn’t support her and resented you, thus her attitude towards you and her behaviour. 

You are not a saint

You may have your own reasons for what you did or didn’t do. Now is not the time to try and justify yourself or judge your wife. What your wife needs is more understanding.

You may thus need to approach from a curious point, trying to find out from her what the problem is. 

Experts say that the first 30 seconds of a conversation, especially during conflict, will determine whether the conversation will go on well or go south.

It is, therefore important how you approach your wife. If you attack or accuse her, then her natural reaction will be to withdraw or be defensive.

Bring out your concern without necessarily criticising her or accusing her of anything. 

Whenever you use “You” statements, like “you always…” or “you are…” she will be defensive or withdraw.

Speak for yourself, use “I” statements expressing your concerns and feelings in a way that makes it be about what you have observed and not what she is doing or not doing.

It might also be helpful to try and find out from her close friend or relative what she’s complaining about. 

You might also suggest that you involve a third party to help you resolve your issues.

Let her know that you are interested in doing whatever it takes to repair your relationship. 

Let her be the one to suggest who she wants to mediate in case she’s for that idea.

That person must be neutral and acceptable to both parties.The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]