My girlfriend and I can’t stop arguing

Hi Achokis.

I have been in a relationship for one year. My girlfriend and I have been looking forward to getting married by the end of this year.

The relationship has been nice until recently when things started going down. We don’t seem to agree on anything and are constantly arguing.

I have even thought of cancelling our plans, but the woman feels that things can still work out.

I still have feelings for her deep down in spite of our tiffs, but I don’t really know if I should proceed in this relationship.  I’m confused. Please help!

Our take

Thank you for seeking help. It’s obvious you are in a dilemma as you say deep down you still have feelings for your girlfriend, but aren’t sure the direction your relationship is taking because of the conflicts you are having.

Relationships go through different stages. When people first notice each other and are attracted to each other, there are feelings of love that flood the two love birds.

They can’t stop thinking of each other and start dreaming of having a happily ever after with this other person. 

A lot of feel good hormones are released in the brain that make you enjoy being together and dreaming of a future together. We call this the infatuation or forming stage.

We all wish this stage can last forever, but unfortunately it doesn’t. With time, and this varies from anything between six months to two years, the two of you start getting familiar with each other.

You start lowering your guard and become more and more yourself in the relationship. 

You don’t need validation

Then you start questioning yourself and your partner, you don’t seem to agree on everything and start seeing each other for who you really are.

This can be a stormy season in a relationship, which if not handled well can lead to a separation.

This is probably where you find yourselves in. Reality is hitting home and you are now being yourselves, which means you are no longer afraid to air your opinion even if it differs with your partner.

This is good because it is only then that one can truly begin to honestly ask themselves the hard questions such as, “Am I ready to live with this?”

What if the way this other person reacts scares me? What are we constantly fighting about?

Are there things that are a matter of life and death for me? If the answer to the latter question is yes, then you may need to think twice about moving on with the relationship. 

On the other hand, if your arguments are centred on things that you can compromise without losing being true to yourself, then with some outside help on conflict management, you can proceed with the relationship.

Sometimes it’s through such conflicts that we come to the realisation of who we really are and what we really want a relationship. This will also help you in future relationships if this one does not work out. – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches barnieachoki@gmail.com