Hi Achokis,

I have been in a relationship for three years. My girlfriend and I are planning to get married soon and are in the process of starting the negotiations.

But of late we have been having a lot of conflicts to the point I’m having doubts as to whether I should proceed on as planned. I fear being emasculated as a man and want to be in control.

But my girlfriend can sometimes be pushy and stands her ground, while I’m a bit laid back.

Should I proceed with this relationship or should I stop? Please advise! – Harry

Our take

Your fear is that you would be emasculated going by  your girlfriend’s personality.

Could it just be a matter of your fears. She could just be assertive, standing firm on what she wants, which the society takes negatively.

Traditionally, women were supposed to be seen but not heard. But things are different now, though there are people who still hold onto such traditions.

So, because of society’s influence, or what you saw in your own parent’s marriage, you may develop cold feet.

Therefore, you may need to deal with your fears instead of running away from the relationship. 

Be in charge, not controlling

You have different personalities: You are laid back and she’s pushy. Opposites do attract and maybe, that’s why you were attracted to her in the first place. Being different isn’t necessarily bad.

You may just need to learn to adjust to each other’s personalities. You can be a laid back guy who is in charge, but not controlling —there’s a difference between the two.

Being in charge is taking leadership and that’s what your woman needs. She may have a strong personality, but is she respectful? 

Any relationship will have conflicts, in fact, if there are no conflicts between you two, then that’s something to worry about.

However, too much conflict on the other hand is also not so good. What are your arguments about?

If you cannot agree on certain fundamental things, core values, things that are important to you, then you may need to reconsider this relationship.

But if they are just small things that don’t really matter in the long run, then you don’t need to break-up just because of them. 

Improve your communication skills

How you handle your conflicts is important, as failure to properly resolve  issues can end up destroying your union no matter who you are in a relationship with.

So, it could also be a matter of both of you learning how to work on your communication and conflict resolution skills.

This is why pre-marital counselling is advisable. It will help you see things objectively, improve on your relational skills, equip you for the future, plus help you make the right decision. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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