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Hi Achoki.  I’m 45 years old and very single. I have been searching, but I haven’t found one. My friends have families and they have been making fun of me.

I feel bad and have started to withdraw, especially in certain functions. My ex cheated on me nine years ago, so I don’t trust any woman.

Prior to my ex, I had a girlfriend who was only interested in money. Are there any trusted wonderful women out there?  Will I ever be ready for another relationship?   – Koome

Our take

Hi Koome. Thank you for your question. How unfortunate that you have had bad experiences in love relationships.

This can bring a lot of fear and hold you back from getting into new relationships.  Fear paralyses.  

Breaking up in a relationship is usually not an easy thing, especially if it breaks the way yours did.

It must have been painful for you as a man because from a cultural perspective, men easily get around with cheating, but not the other way around.

In addition, women have a way of processing their pain simply by their relational and emotional nature where they easily talk about their pain. 

Address your past pain

First, men don’t process their pain well because they don’t share their issues.

Instead, they pretend to be macho. Secondly, it is shameful for a man to talk about how his woman has cheated on him.

It makes him look like a weakling. Pain that is not transformed becomes a wound that hinders one from moving forward in a relationship.

It is said that time heals, but only if we do something about the pain. If we don’t admit, accept and address our pain it won’t heal, but become septic.

It makes you not trust others, however nice they may be. Because of your two previous experiences with women – when one cheated on you, while the other one was only interested in your money, you now view every woman with those lenses. But there are still good women out there that can make a good wife. 

It’s not too late

You will be ready for another relationship if you forgive the individuals who hurt you. Don’t hold them in your heart.

Don’t let your failed past relationships define your future relationships. Don’t let other’s opinion of yourself affect how you see yourself.

What you think about yourself is more important than what others think about you.

Marriage should not define who you are, you should have a good self-esteem. Marriage does not heal your past if you do not do anything about it. 

Concerning your age, you are not too late. There are also many mature women waiting for men like you to marry them.

But it is important that you first resolve the battles within you rather than run into a relationship and be sorry.

Pick yourself up and move on. If you find it hard to do so, seek help from a therapist to help you overcome your pain, so that you can then move on. – The writers are marriage and relationship [email protected]