Hi Achokis. 

Thank you for the job you are doing.  I’m 59 years old and recently retired from a busy job that kept me away from my family most of the time. I have been looking for another job, but with little success.

All my children have left home and my wife runs her own business. I have been very lonely at home and it’s driving me crazy. 

I don’t think my wife understands that I need company.  I thought she would be excited  now that I’m finally at home, but she says she’s busy. I want my marriage back.  What should I do?  Obado

Our take

Hi Obado! Thank you for reaching out. Unfortunately, many people don’t prepare well for their retirement.

Men can prepare in terms of investing their finances well to take care of their families after retirement, but fail to invest in their significant relationships.

After they have retired, they return home only to find the children gone and their wives having jipatiad shughuli .

This is where you have found yourself as a man. You now have all the time for your family, but they are not there for you.

It is never too late though; the fact that you are alive and have the desire to reconnect means that you can make up for lost time.

It will need a lot of understanding and humbling on your part to do so. It will mean appreciating your wife for the years she has poured in the children and home letting her know how much you now realise what they may have felt while you were out there working.  

From a wife’s perspective 

In the case of your wife, she might feel that she nurtured the children when they were young and nothing will now stop her from taking care of herself. 

Her fear might be that she will now begin to take care of you and forget about herself. Many women ask themselves this question, “Who takes care of me?”

They feel like they have given all their life and now that they are free, they want to do something for themselves­­—no wonder she’s too busy for you.

At a later point, you will need to also reach out to your children and find out where your relationship with them is.

Ways to reconnect

Don’t fear to let your emotions out, she needs to hear it coming from deep inside of you. You will also need to do so for yourself, otherwise you may get depressed.

Try volunteering to help her, that is, if she’s agreeable to it, that way, you may just reconnect as she continues to take care of herself.  

Try finding out when she’s free and take opportunity of those times to reconnect with her.

Look for something you may enjoy doing together that she likes, which is beneficial to her in more than one way – like taking evening walks together or going to weddings or funerals together.

Who knows, these could just be the moments you are looking for.- The writers are marriage and relationship coaches,  [email protected]