Increasingly, couples are engaging in multiple romantic/sexual relations with the consent of all people involved while still committed to one partner in an arrangement termed consensual non-monogamous marriage.

Sandra Wekesa @wekesa_sandra

This weekend, all roads lead to Naivasha for World Rally Championship. The thrill and return of Safari Rally aside, it’s another scandal-prone event, complete with debauchery that will make Sodom and Gomorrah look good if the memes and posts we have been seeing on social media is anything to go by.

One thing is certain, it’s another opportunity for many men and women to explore outside their marital beds.

Let’s admit it, we all have crushes and sexual fantasies and sometime we might want to act on them, even when they are not our current partner.

In today’s society, lifelong monogamous relationships are becoming hard to achieve given the high prevalence rate of infidelity and divorce. Surprisingly, a recent study published in “Archives of Sexual Behaviour” suggested that fantasies about open relationships are not uncommon among people in monogamous relationships.

As the study author Justin J Lehmiller relates, there is reason to believe that consensual non-monogamous relationships (CNMR) – partnerships that allow members to have more than one sexual- partner at a time — are on the rise.

The umbrella term of “consensual non-monogamy” covers everything from the casual sex of swingers to the loving, long-term relationships of polyamorists.

If it involves more than two people, sex or love, and everyone has consented, then it’s CNM.

Now more than ever, some married couples feel like monogamy is a prison that traps them in a permanent arrangement that is sexually frustrating.

They end up staying in it out of guilt and insecurity, as they fantasise about something better.  

For instance, Junior Kamau, a 42-year-old married man says, he has always had a fantasy of being with any other woman other than his wife, but has never actualised it.

“Not that I have anyone in mind, but I have always wanted to experiment on how it feels to be in a non-monogamous relationship.

But the fact that I know my wife will dismiss it and not give consent, I have never raised that concern to her, so I end up ignoring it,” he says.

He adds that throughout their 13 years of marriage, he has never dated, or slept with someone else, which to him is an achievement.

“I have friends who have been in relationships with other women and are still with their wives and this isn’t a big deal for them.

But out of the respect I have for my wife, I have never wanted to experiment this because it doesn’t sit well with me,” he says.

Evolution of sex

In relation to Justin J Lehmiller’s findings, Junior falls under the 81 per cent of men that fantasise about being in an open relationship, but have not shared with their partners, due to the fear of how they would react. 

Shadrack Kyove, a psychologist, says there has been a great evolution of sex; this has affected intimacy and the family unit as whole.

He adds that the truth is, many couples are failed monogamists, in that at one point they will desire to have an additional partner or they actually have a partner who they have an agreement with on the side.

“At some point in their life, so many couples have thought of incidents that they had two partners or more, but due to fear of how the society will perceive them or the fear of them not being good at it, some end up not actualising it,” he says.

He adds that although so many people might have been interested in CNM, relatively few people have tried it.

“People are afraid of the burden that comes with being with so many partners, the need of having to commit to several people at a go, and also what other people will think about them,” says Kyove.

But isn’t CNM still cheating, Ken Munyua, a psychologist explains that people defer in what kind of behaviours they consider cheating­— to some provided they are in agreement, then that is okay, but to others even a text could amount to cheating.

A hot debate

Beatrice Nderitu, a psychologist, concurs. “Whether you are polyamorous or not, the definition of cheating is a hotly debated topic. To some people, watching porn is cheating.

To others, it’s not cheating until things get physical. Then there’s the divide between physical and emotional cheating.

But in general, cheating involves feelings of betrayal. In CNM, cheating is not a “yes or no” scenario.

It’s all about agreeing on your definition of cheating and establishing healthy expectations for you and your partner(s),” she says

Munyua explains that in CNM, the couple actually gets to negotiate, which behaviours are acceptable to engage in outside their marriage and what shouldn’t be tolerated.

He adds that this fantasy is common among men because, they tend to be easily swayed as opposed to women, but still isn’t an exception among women. 

Like any other relationship, Nderitu says CNM require a lot of planning, honesty, and above all, open communication.

Also, working through insecurity and jealousy and agreeing on terms of the relationship are challenging for some people.

“If anything, non-monogamy requires an even stronger commitment to communication and transparency because there are more relationships at play,” she says in conclusion.