Kwach Wakhisi 

American author Dean Koontz once said grief can destroy you— or focus you. Neema Muthee chose focus. 

She is a trainer/coach/consultant in matters image, personal branding, and etiquette. She recently started coaching and grief counselling.

Besides that, she also runs several support groups geared towards helping women who have gone through a rough patch in life.

“I have pursued various online courses ranging from image, etiquette, personal branding, grief counselling and coaching certifications from various colleges in Canada and the US.

I am also looking forward to starting my masters degree in clinical psychology,” says the mother of one. 

She describes her life while growing up as normal. “I grew up in a small family.

My dad was strict such that he instilled some fear in us while mum was the soft, understanding and kind one.

I felt some sense of freedom and independence when I joined university. Even then, dad would always call to check up on me.

He would particularly call at 9 pm every Friday, I guess to make sure I wasn’t partying out!

My parents instilled in us values such as hard work, independence, honesty, and excellence,” she explains. “Dad taught me to never let people’s opinions define who I am.”

Hitting rock bottom

Life took a sad twist when Neema lost her mother in 2013 at the age of 24. She offers: “I lost my security touchstone. My life was irrevocably altered.

I lost my caregiver, teacher, role model and my guide to being an outstanding woman. This was my first experience with death and grief, and has been difficult to navigate.”

When she felt she had somehow healed from the loss of her mother and could create a safe space for other motherless daughters, Neema lost her dad on December 31, 2018.

“My dad’s death destabilised me. I was shattered. My dad gave me a sense of security just like most fathers do.

My son had lost his grandfather. Watching dad wither away in a span of just two months was traumatic. I have never felt lonely the way I felt in the weeks and months after his death,” she explains.

She hit rock bottom and started seeing a clinical psychologist who helped her walk the path towards healing.

“I will forever be grateful to the psychologist. It still hurts, but I’m coping well and all I want to do is to make my late parents proud,” she says.

It is this loss that drove her to start several initiatives, a story of pain to purpose. In 2018, Neema started Daughters Without Mothers, a support group for young girls who had lost their mothers.

“When I lost my mum, I realised that a daughter’s life is irrevocably changed after that great loss.

I also realised that sons and daughters cope differently with this loss. Daughters without Mothers provided a safe space for girls and young women to grieve their mothers and find healing,” she says.

Daughters without Mothers was recently registered as a Community Based Organisation (CBO) with a focus on mental health awareness and advocacy, menstrual health (service, education and advocacy), cervical cancer awareness and grief support.

Neema also began Tears that Heal, an initiative of Daughters without Mothers Trust.

“I meet men who are struggling with grief and felt we were leaving them out. Tears that Heal is a broader grief support group.

Whether you have lost a mother, father, sibling, child, spouse or friend and you are struggling to cope, we walk with you through the journey of grief until you are able to cope,” she explains.

Then there is Mwanga Sister Circles, which she began in February this year. “The idea of Mwanga was conceptualised around May last year.

I wondered what it would be like to have genuine soul sisters who walk with you through the changing seasons of life.

I had no parents, just one sibling who didn’t give me the kind of support that I was yearning for. I felt alone hence Mwanga Sister Circles created a space that I was yearning for.

Our tag line is ‘Redefining Sisterhood’ and we want to keep the circles to about 12 people so that there is connection and intimacy.”

In the wake of Covid-19, Neema says she has had to cancel some of the events and programmes that had been lined up for the various support groups.

They have had to conduct online meetings and with the possibility that the pandemic may last for some time, they are brainstorming on ways to ensure the groups remain effective and that the 200 girls in her programme get sanitary towels every month now that they are not in school.

Appreciating life

On motherhood, Neema says her journey has not been easy. “I suffered two miscarriages in 2014 and 2015 before I was gifted my rainbow baby in 2016.

On the other hand, becoming a mother without the presence of your mother to hold your hand and guide you is difficult. There are questions you want to ask but you can’t.

I always wonder how this journey would have been if my mum was alive today,” she says.

Since she is her son’s primary caregiver, Neema takes the responsibility of motherhood with a lot of seriousness.

“I hope to instill in my son values such as openness and vulnerability, which I believe are pre-requisites for healthy relationships, empathy, resilience, self-awareness, a spirit of adventure and desire to make a difference.

I also make sure that I talk to him about my late parents. He met my dad, but didn’t get a chance to meet my mum.

When parenting as an orphaned parent, you empower your children to have a greater appreciation for life,” says Neema.