We worked through our strained mother-child relationship

Growing up, Caroline Kimani never had a good relationship with her mother. As she recalls, she was always tough and always forced things on Caroline—things that she didn’t want to do or become. 

“My mother was demanding, controlling and micro-managed every bit of me. Even as a child, I was independent and I can remember my mother criticising me for every decision that I made,” she recalls. 

The poor mother-child relationship is often less discussed since it’s believed that women are more nurturing and empathetic to their children than men. Hence the society doesn’t look into details the serious conflicts between a mother and her children. 

But there are many instances which can result in a poor relationship between the mother and the children such as an overly critic, guilt tripping and manipulation, one sided relationship, humiliation, controlling behaviour or even an absent mother.  

People affected by such kind of a relationship usually try to hide their feelings from others, which only leads to more feelings of shame and loneliness.  Caroline dealt with her mother’s negativity by limiting her contact with her mother to reduce the amount of negative energy that she was exposed to all the time. All that negative experience drove her to having low self-esteem. 

You only have one mother

“As a child you always expect your mother to be the one to cheer you on your goals and dreams, but she would always criticise me and as a result, I grew up as a lonely child,” she continues. 

At the age of 19, Caroline left home when she went to campus. This is when the relationship with her mother took another shift. 

“I told myself that I have only one mother after all. I left nothing unsaid! I talked  to her and told her how I felt and explained why it is that I felt that way. I did it calmly, collectively, and with purpose to make her not feel attacked or disrespected,” she says. 

Their relationship improved after the honest conversation. “I put all my efforts into making our relationship firm. As I get older, I got to understand her better. My mother over time became adaptable. She is not the same mother she was when I was 10 years old, neither am I the same child either,” she explains. 

Currently, Caroline is friends with her mother and the two support each other a lot. “She views me to be more responsible than my brother. I would surely be in a terrible place in today’s life, if it were not for her. She made me who I am! I love my mother and she is my go-to person. She has shown me what hard work and determination can get you in life. Despite the childhood rocky relationship, she has my back,” she continues. 

For Beatty Sheila, her relationship with her mother got strained during her parent’s separation when she was only eight years. 

“I was mad at her for a long time for taking my baby sister with her and not me. She left me with my alcoholic father and that was tough. That’s where the resentment came from. She hated my dad and noticing that I was my dad’s favourite, she hated me too,” she laments.  

 Sheila went to a boarding primary school, but would spend her holidays with her mother and go back to her father. But staying with her mum was unbearable since they always quarreled and she beat her up. However, staying with her father was peaceful. Though she was quiet about the whole affair, Sheila says that this strain in relationship affected her connection with others. 

“I have a tough time building trust in a relationship. I found out that I give too much and fear being abandoned,” she says. 

When she finally had the conversation with her mother when she was aged 20, she finally understood her mother’s behaviour. 

“It’s more of what she told me when she left; that she’d always be my mother, no matter how bad she was. She’s my best friend now and I talk to her all the time. We travel and live life. She gives me financial advice, especially on savings and investments. I am happy that I advised her to build a home and she is now living rent free. I dealt with my jealousy with my sister too and don’t feel inferior,” she narrates. 

Through her experience, she learnt that mothers too are human beings and need to be understood and loved. “Mothers are human beings, not superheroes (literally) they go through the rough ages of life, just like we do. Life is a relay race, from parents to their children, whether you believe it or not, they do have something to pass down to you that could help shape your life and they have lives to live, we shouldn’t blame them,” she says.

Paul Nakitare is happy he managed to patch things up with his mother before she passed away in 2010.  

“She gave birth to me when she was 18 and her mum (my grandmother) still wanted her to continue with school. So she left me. I was raised by my grandmother,” he narrates. 

Paul recalls not having close relationship with his mother. By the time his mother stabilised and had gotten a job in Busia, he was already attached to his grandmother and loved Nairobi more than where his mother was. She also tried to connect him with his father during her last days though they never took the relationship further. 

When her mother became ill, Paul had to stay with her for two months and reconnected with her in the hospital. 

Build lasting relationship

“We had a lot of conversations, we talked about life. She gave me a lot of motherly advice. I can say it’s the distance that had made it hard for us. You never realise what you have until its lost or gone. That’s one thin I have learnt after her death. Life happens, so we just need to adjust to the circumstances instead of being angry at things,” he recalls.

As a parting shot, Caroline believes that both mothers and their children need to clear up any misunderstandings by communicating.

“Let’s open up and make ourselves vulnerable. Our mothers do care for us. That is why they advise us no matter how stone age the opinion may be,” she advices. 

Elmard Reagan, a psychologist, says conflicts cannot be avoided in life.  To build solid relationship, Reagan advises that parents be active in their children’s lives, have open communication with their children as well as work towards a common goal. 

“Speak thoughtfully with your child and have open discussions about issues such as money and  even personal life issues. Make it a habit so that the child grows up knowing that it’s okay to come to you and doesn’t bottle-up issues. Brainstorm on solutions and work on them together with your child. Conflict will prevail as long as there is a one-sided way to finding solutions, where the mother never seeks to know what the child wants and find a common balance on choices. Also, ensure that you make decisions together as a family unit as it instills a sense of responsibility and makes the child involved in the decisions,” he says in ending.