Hi Achokis. I had a relationship with a woman two years ago and she became pregnant.

Two months into her pregnancy, she informed me that she had a miscarriage.

We were in a long-distance relationship as she was a student in one town while I worked in another.

During this time, I would call or text her while she would go quiet for weeks on end. I later found out she never had a miscarriage. She tried to explain why she lied to me.

I forgave her and moved on. I was even there when the baby was born. But after that, she went quiet on me.

She has never shared with me the child’s particulars or asked for child support.

Can one have a child with you and not require support bearing in mind she’s a student? Kindly advise!

Our take

Thank you for your question. Two years is a long time for a woman not to get in touch with the father of her child.

It is indeed also strange that one can be pregnant and lie that they miscarried. Having a miscarriage is not something one should treat lightly or even lie about.

The fact that the relationship has also been one sided—only you communicating and her not responding is another indicator that this person isn’t interested in the relationship.

Possible scenarios

It is not possible for a woman to have a child with you and not be interested in your support unless as we have said, she isn’t interested in you, or you hurt her badly.

That way, she may not want you back in her life, thus cutting off any connection with you even if it means refusing your financial support. 

It is possible that her parents were not happy with her getting pregnant because they wanted her to complete her studies and may have warned her not to have anything to do with you.

It is also possible that the woman knows the truth—that this child is not yours and that’s why she doesn’t want your support. 

Being a student, she cannot afford the child’s upkeep and would have, therefore, been the one running after you.

But the fact that she isn’t interested in your support suggests that either she’s being funded by someone else who could be the child’s real father, or by her parents. Whatever the case she has axed you from the equation.  

Move on

Men have often been accused of being deadbeat dads, but in your case, you have tried your best to be involved in this child’s life, but to no avail.

It could also be possible the child is yours, but the woman isn’t interested in you.

In that case, you need to move on with your life leaving it open that the day she decides otherwise, you would be ready to take responsibility for your child.

If she insists that the child is not yours, let her commit this in writing preferably before a children’s welfare officer. 

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