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Have you ever done something you didn’t want just so you would belong? It may be agreeing to be a friend with benefits since you are afraid of losing them if you say no, or criticising something or someone you genuinely love because everyone was doing it. Is performing for love something you often do? 

Whether it is in the things we do or do not do, self-betrayal is common to all humans.

Self-betrayal is based on the lies we tell ourselves. It is the act of relying on others and seeking validation from them instead of having an intrinsic compass to lead us through life.

Why we self-betray

“Self-betrayal depends on the stories we tell ourselves, which may be false or true. Many people who self-betray do not have a strong sense of self.

They become whomever others tell them to be and tell themselves narratives to justify this later,” Jackline Gathu a counselling psychologist shares.

According to Jackline, self-betrayal is a trauma response. If you grew up in a home where there was conditional love, you learn that you have to act in a certain way and suppress your needs and personality to earn love and affirmation.

This teaches someone to suppress their feelings and work for love for instance, and is often carried over into adulthood. 

Sarah Changalwa, psychologist and founder of Mentally Serene Hub wholly agrees with this.

She defines self-betrayal as the intentional harm, denial of individual needs, and violation of intra-personal boundaries by an individual towards themselves in favour of others. 

“Other ways in which self-betrayal manifests is through negative approval of oneself, low self-esteem, separation anxiety, neediness in relationships, the fear of missing out, the need for constant reassurance and approval, lack interpersonal boundaries, and in the extreme, some individuals may exhibit suicidal tendencies or engage themselves in self-harming activities when they lack the approval and attention they are seeking to achieve,” Sarah further elaborates.

Sarah shares that while it is easy to spot self-betrayal, it is not as easy to spot self-gaslighting, which is self-betrayal’s close cousin.

Self-gaslighting is the psychological manipulation that one does to themselves that can make the person question their sanity and sense of reality.

Self-gaslighting and self-betrayal both encompass an individual’s tendency to sabotage themselves and subject themselves to emotional abuse making the individual feel helpless, irrelevant and worthless so they neglect themselves and prioritise the needs of others.

Self-gas lighting

“While self-betrayal is denying of your own needs in favour of others, self-gas lighting might not centre around other people’s needs and is solely about being someone’s worst self-critic.

It normally happens when someone has been gas-lit for so long that they simply take on the torch and set themselves on fire instead.

When one is told they are good-for-nothing for instance enough times, they will start believing that and will tell themselves that they are not good at anything every time they need to step up.

Self-gas lighting is when we tell ourselves a lie so many times that we internalise it and view it as true, then start acting and living by it,” Jackline shares.

She explains that both self-gaslighting and self-betrayal are coping mechanisms.

They are ways that humans seek to survive in the best way they know how largely formed over time.

These habits give individuals a sense of safety, security and comfort, which later blinds their ability to perceive the harm and negative consequences these habits wrought.

These lies get more entrenched into the people’s lives making them harder for the person to see the lies and break the cycle.

This means that someone who often gaslights themselves may not even know that they are causing themselves pain and therefore, may not see the importance of change.

Way forward

“At the onset of self-betrayal one feels bad about betraying their needs for someone else’s.

Over time one gets used to this. In the same way, when one starts self-gaslighting, they may be able to question some of the lies they tell themselves.

But at some point, they start believing the lies wholly. For one to know whether they self-gaslight or self-betray, self-awareness is key.

One needs to constantly examine their lives and see where they do not show up for themselves and why.

They can then start working on that with the help of a coach or therapist and start building and maintaining clear boundaries with others as well as themselves.

They can also start practicing words of affirmation to negate the lies they have been telling themselves and start seeing life more clearly,” Sarah says.

Jackline agrees. “We are taught interpersonal skills, how to relate with other people, but are never taught how to be with ourselves.

Work on your intrapersonal skills, be self-aware, know who you really are and stick to that no matter how tempting suppressing your needs for others might be.

Over time, you will be able to stop self-betraying and self-gas lighting. It is hard work, but it is worth it,” she says in ending.