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Traditionally, arranged marriages were common, cutting across different Kenyan communities. Parents would easily be involved in picking out wives for their sons, from proffered homesteads as they deemed ‘perfect background’. The betrothed would then grow to nurture their relationship until it was time to officiate through a wedding ceremony. And with modernisation, this has not changed much as family still plays a huge role in arranging marriages.

For instance, in a situation where a man has travelled oversees, but wants to marry a wife from his native home, he could easily arrange with his family to not only seek out a perfect woman to be his wife, but also officiate the wedding on his behalf if he is not able to be physically present.

“Traditionally, there is always a way to go through these ceremonies. When the man is far and he wants to marry, everything can be done, including the wedding ceremony on his behalf. He notifies the family of his intentions, and then the elders are sent to wife-hunt from different homesteads, searching for a marriageable girl who is also well mannered. In the past years there were no phones, but today with smartphones, people can talk and he can even see the woman’s photo for approval. After that the wedding ceremony can be conducted. He has to be represented by his blood brother in the oath taking process,” shares Biasha Kache, Mijikenda elder.

Playing by the rules

As she intimates, she has peacefully cohabited with a co-wife she had married on behalf of her husband, even paying the girl’s dowry herself.

“I have a business in Mombasa and my husband lives in the village. Work kept me away from my boma. So I had to marry a wife for my husband. I searched for a perfect girl. Paid dowry using my own money and brought her home. She was still in school, so I have supported her until she got a job. Now as she works, I even get some money from her salary,” reveals Kache.

Popular Mombasa-based Ustadha, Fatma Ahmed shares that Islam, allows for ‘nikah by proxy’ when for some unavoidable reason the man is not able to be present at the main ceremony.

“The Islamic Nikah (marriage ceremony) ceremony allows for nikah by proxy, which means- on behalf of the brother. When exchanging vows, you mention the name of the groom. My niece whose husband was in Saudia got married by proxy. The man, for work reasons, could not attend the nicca so he sent his brother to represent him at the ceremony. Then they later travelled together to Saudia.The brother-in-law was not allowed see the bride on the day of the wedding, so they have to be wed in different rules.  But before this kind of marriage is considered, there has to be a serious reason, which will make the man miss his own nikah,” shares the Ustadh.

Footballer who missed his wedding

On July this year, Sierra Leone footballer, Mohamed Buya, who was scheduled to marry his lover Suad Baydoun sent his elder brother to represent him at his wedding ceremony. Buya, wasn’t there on his big day as he was agreeing to a different type of contract instead.

He had landed a lucrative contract with Swedish-based side Malmo FC and the club expected him to sign the deal on July 22. Therefore, he had no other option than to book a flight and travel to Sweden on the day of his wedding to make sure the deal that was in place did not collapse!

Buya took some pictures with his fiance, dressed in their wedding attire before flying to Sweden for his official unveiling as a Malmo FC player.

Sheikh Amani Hamisi, a member of the Kwale County Religious Leaders Advisory Council, shares that technology advancements have made nikah by proxy easier for Kadhis as well.

Requirements of a stand-in groom

“The Waliy (man representing the husband-to-be) has to not only be from your paternal side, but you must have both come from the same mother and sucked the same breasts. He should stand in as the man’s witness not to participate in oath taking. While it was not done before, nowadays the Kadhis have changed some rules and will call the husband during the Nikah so he can repeat the vows as is required. The Waliy does not say anything,” explains the Sheikh.

Unlike in the officiating of Christian wedding ceremonies, Islam ceremonies do not include the exchange of wedding rings. Rings can only be offered to the bride as a form of wedding gift.

Meanwhile, Reverend Nelson Mwanjala, of St Mathias ACK Shimba hills, shares that modern Christianity don’t allow a relative to hold on for another.

“If you go back to the Old Testament, in the story of Abraham, a servant was sent to get a wife for Isaac. This woman was to come from the uncle’s family. This kind of arrangements were common in African traditions as well. Elders were involved in wedding arrangements. But nowadays, young people  are encouraged to search for their own partners. As a church elder, my involvement is to encourage young people who are ready for marriage to pray to God for guidance in finding their partner,” he says.

He adds, “Once someone finds a suitable partner, we take them through premarital counseling. And the main ceremony is all about exchanging of oaths, so you cannot take an oath on behalf of another. Vows are meant for the couple. The only way around such a challenge where one is not able to attend his wedding ceremony is to either postpone the wedding or find a venue that is convenient for both,” says Mwanjala.