Hi Achokis,

I’m a single mum of two teenage children aged 19 and 17. I recently met a guy whom I have been seeing for the last six months.

We really seem to have hit it off nicely and things are going really fast. My children haven’t yet met this guy though I have tried to hint to my 17-year-old daughter.

I haven’t brought this man home yet. I’m anxious about how my children, especially my son will react to him and if at all he will accept my man.

At what point do I introduce them to my children and what if they don’t like him? Please help! – Terry

Our take

Thank you, Terry, for reaching out for help. Getting into the relationship game as a single parent is always a tricky thing, more so when you have grown-up children.

With little children it can be a bit easier as you only need to consider if your potential partner will take you in with your baggage.

But with teenage or adult children, there are many other factors to consider, such as will they cope with your partner? How will they take it?

What if they don’t connect?… And such like questions. That’s where you find yourself. 

Prepare your children in advance

Six months is good enough time to know where the relationship is going and to be sure you are not just infatuated, but really love each other.

It is, therefore, okay to introduce your man to your children at this stage and let them know what is going on.

But before you do so, find out from them what they think about you being in a relationship.

Find out in a subtle way what their reaction will be if they discover you are in a relationship that is leading to marriage. What will some of their fears be?  

This helps you prepare them for what is about to hit them as one of the reasons children sometimes rebel and resist their parent’s partner is the ambush.

If you inform them early enough and involve them in the decision-making process, they feel not only respected and a part of it, but it also makes you know in advance what to expect.

You may be surprised that they will be the ones cheering you on. They of course want you happy and so will also be happy for you.

Avoid pressure

Even if they are not initially excited about it, give them time to absorb it and adjust. Allow them time to grieve, as this is also some form of loss for them.

They are used to being your only centre of attention, but now have to share you with someone else.

Give your man also time to navigate his way around relating with each of your children without putting undue pressure on either of them.

So often, we are anxious for the relationship to work that we end up putting too much pressure on either side, ending up sabotaging our relationship or causing our children to resist and resent our partner. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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