I am a divorced man in my mid 40s and staying with my two daughters. I have been single for a while now, almost 10 years.

I have been worried about settling down again because I don’t want to marry someone who will mistreat my children.

But I recently fell in love with this woman who I think is the perfect match for me and I want to settle down with her.

The only problem is that she is over 10 years younger than me and I have been wondering if this age gap issue will cause a problem between us and if she will be able to be a good mother to my children. Please advise!  

Thank you for your question. Moving on after a divorce or even death of one’s spouse can be a difficult thing to do, more so if you are left with children as is in your case.

Obviously, the divorce must have been a painful experience for you, no wonder you were cautious of entering into another relationship lest it ends up like the first one. 

We don’t have the details of how you ended up a divorcee, but whatever the case, that process is never an easy one.

Did you seek counselling after that? Were you able to deal with that issue conclusively and brought it to a closure?

If you didn’t, then this is the place to start. One’s next relationship unfortunately suffers from the effects of your previous one unless you have fully and deliberately dealt with those effects.

You don’t want this other woman suffering just because of your own issues from the past relationship.

Involve your children

You also need to consider the children. Involve them in this process. Allow them to forge their own relationship with your girlfriend.

Observe how she handles them and how they respond to her. Ask them what they think about her and your relationship, especially if they are big enough.

Having said that, what is more important is your relationship with this woman.

You must realise that you are not just looking for someone to mother your children, but more than that, someone whom you love and who truly loves you. 

Don’t father your wife

Concerning the age gap issue, there are quite a number of such relationships that are working well contrary to what we think.

Problems in relationships are not just because of the age gap issues. If you are able to solve other relational issues well and treat each other with respect and as equal partners, there really won’t be any problem.

You do not want to play the role of a father in your girlfriend’s life. You must be candid with yourselves and if you are not comfortable with the fact that you are much older than, her then you better think twice before proceeding to the next level. – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches,    [email protected]