Why do I only attract violent men in life?

Hi Achokis. I’m a 37 year-old-single-mother of two boys. The children are from two different men. When I met the first guy, I was in my mid-20s and fresh from campus.

Like any other woman, I had dreams of having a wedding then living happily ever after.

But after I got my first son with my first boyfriend, he didn’t seem to want to commit.

He was violent and eventually after some time, I decided to leave him. A few years later, I met the father to my second son.

I thought this was it. But again, I discovered I was again in an abusive relationship. I left after a long struggle.

I have been in and out of relationships since then. I’m no longer sure of myself and fear to enter into a long-term relationship though I really want to get married. Is something wrong with me? Please advise! 

Our take

Thank you for seeking help. Your relational experiences have not been the best and that of course puts you in a fearful position even jeopardising your moving forward.

Such kinds of experiences make people either continue in the same cycle of relationships or vow not to enter into any.

What is important for you to note is that not all men are that way. Simply because you have had such kind of relationships doesn’t mean that’s how relationships are.

You can have a nice not perfect relationship. The important thing is to first look inward at yourself. What were you looking for when you entered into those relationships?

What were you lacking or wanting so badly that made you get into those relationships? From what you share, it seems you attract the same kind of guys— guys who are violent.

Why is this so? Having noted that, what can you do differently next time? 

It is important that you slowdown in order to dig deep into yourself. You need to become aware of what it is that you are lacking so that you see how to deal with that.

This of course will require you to seek professional help. You cannot do this alone, you need someone who can help you identify those gaps in your life. 

You don’t need validation

You may have to go further back into your childhood to discover why those gaps are there.

Self-awareness so often is the beginning of our healing journey. Once you are aware of certain things in your own life, you will be careful in who and how you enter into a relationship.

You will not look for something from someone else to validate you or fill the hole in your soul. You also need to heal properly from the effects of those two relationships. 

Obviously, such abuse leaves one with a damaged self-image and self-esteem.

It is, therefore, important you get your self-esteem back and have a proper image of yourself.

That way, it will be difficult for anyone else to take advantage of you or even enter into abusive relationships.

When you relate well with yourself, it is easy to relate well with others and also to have healthy relationships. – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches barnieachoki@gmail.com