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While intimacy and companionship are an important part of life, society deems dating for people aged 60 and above, especially for women, as odd.

Jasmine Atieno @sparkleMine

Love and belonging is the ageless need that has been sought after by mankind. Age, nationality, creed or culture does not negate this timeless need.

The Maslow Hierarchy of Needs has put love and belonging as third to the basic physiological and safety needs.  

Love knocks when least expected, as some in their 60s discover. However, as family centred clinician and professor Patriciah Makora shares, many people question the right to date for this age-group.

Dating for older women has been viewed as sinful, laughable, unimaginable, and even a taboo as was evident with the late Wambui Otieno-Mbugua who married at 68.

“The grey-haired citizens are expected to have retired their emotional needs and should be taking care of their grandchildren, farms, goats, cattle and small businesses.

They should stay still and await the yearly visits from their children and grandchildren.

This worldview and line of thinking is archaic and cannot be supported in today’s evolved society.

There are men and women in their 60s that are still available, able and willing to date and commit.

These include singles, widows and widowers, the divorced and unprecedented victims of urban and global immigration.

Culture continues to evolve in other life domains and senior dating is inevitably evolving and should be encouraged and accommodated.

This is an ingredient for seniors for healthier psycho-social lives as they age with dignity,” she says.

Dating is guided by culture, education, religion, ethics, societal values and norms, social economic status, exposure and personal values, choices and decisions. 

“Over 60s could mingle and meet through one on one introduction, social and business groups and clubs interactions, worship places, social media and dating sites.

Churches and other religious groups can demystify senior dating by being involved,” adds Makora.         

Relationship and marriage coach, Cynthia Wambui Otieno shares that in large, cultural context has cultivated the perception that after menopause, a woman is no longer a sexual being.

This is why most women do not remarry after their husbands die for fear of being frowned upon.

“In the African culture, sex wasn’t celebrated. If a widow remarried, there were fears that her new man would come to take her property. She was also labelleded negatively (mang’aa). 

But they forget that they are by all means sexual beings. This is why many would have relationships without the marriage context. A man on the other hand does not carry such labels,” shares Cynthia. 

She adds that it is important to be able to supersede all these beliefs seniors can learn healthy ways of living, which also take care of their sexual and emotional needs.

Points to note

The decision to pursue a relationship can be a difficult one for the elderly. Family therapist and counsellor, Raymond Mwaura advises that there is a lot for senior citizens to consider then.

Chief among them is whether one is ready. If you’re coming out of a divorce or mourning the loss of a spouse, it’s important to make sure you are emotionally ready to begin a new relationship. 

There’s no magic number of days, weeks or months to wait before you begin to date again, and your timeline may be different from your closest friends.

Once you determine the time is right, you may want to decide what kind of relationship you’re looking for. 

“Do you long to be married again? Or would you rather just have a casual companion to go to the movies or have coffee and conversation with from time to time?

Are you still bitter about what happened in your previous relationship? If you’re still carrying around the baggage from your divorce, then you may want to wait before you start looking for love.

Someone who could be a potential companion may be turned off by your bitterness.

Are you interested in listening to and getting to know other people?” asked the expert. 

Sometimes it can be easy to talk about ourselves, but hard to truly listen to another.

If you are still deeply grieving the death of your spouse, listening to someone else open up about themselves may take an emotional toll you aren’t ready for. 

Divorce and death create great loss and it is necessary to find your way through those deep valleys of despair.

If you haven’t been able to find contentment in the current season of your life, then you probably aren’t ready to date

It is important to take your children’s feelings and concerns into consideration. 

“It may be difficult for them to see you with someone other than their mother or father.

If death is the reason you’re single, your children may not be able to get beyond their own sadness to embrace your pursuit of happiness.

They may also be concerned or afraid that you will be taken advantage of in some way, or that your bank account may become more attractive than your brain to a potential suitor.

All legitimate reasons to be cautious as you enter the senior dating pool,” hesays. 

If it’s been a while since you dated, you may wonder if the dating world has changed. Chances are it has, but high standards never go out of style. 

So, if your rule before was never to kiss on the first date, stick to it if it still feels right to you. Set your own boundaries.

If the person you are seeing doesn’t agree with you, they probably aren’t a good choice.