Hi Achokis.

My partner and I live together, though we are not legally married. For the last three years, we have never succeeded in having a child. My husband’s mother and his relatives have started complaining.

We had plans to wed last year in December, but his mother went to our home and postponed the event claiming that their son is not ready for marriage.

Since then, whenever I bring up the issue, my husband reacts. I don’t know what to do. Please advise!

Suzanne

Childlessness can be a painful thing, especially to a woman since society defines a woman by her ability to bring forth a child.

And so, when this does not happen, the society puts the blame on the woman, forgetting that, the man could also be the one with a problem. This is the situation you find yourself in.

It is in such a situation that a husband’s support is critical. You need your man now more than ever before as you have suffered rejection from his people.

Your expectation is for him to support you and feel for you, while his family’s expectations are that their son marries someone who is able to give them a grandchild. 

Your husband could be reacting for two reasons—first, he is feeling the pressure of the situation (childlessness) and two; he is torn between you and his mum.

Seek medical advice

What should you do then? Give your husband some time and then look for a convenient time to talk with him.

Let him know what you feel about all this without necessarily attacking his mother and his people. Let him know that you need each other now more than ever before.

It is important to establish where the problem is medically and then support each other through whatever process the doctors may advise. 

This way, part of the problem can be solved, especially if the man loves you and is ready to go to whatever length to be with you. 

Take charge

If on the other hand he is undecided like he seems to be, then you need to confront the matter. Let him know that he cannot allow his mother to run his life for him.

He needs to make a decision on what it is he wants. Marriage is about leaving father and mother and cleaving to one’s wife. If he is not ready for that, then you are wasting your time.

If he cannot go ahead and have the wedding because of what his people say, then he is still a mama’s boy and thus not ready for marriage.

In that case, the fact that you don’t have a child together yet works better for you as it will not complicate things if you have to leave him.  

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]