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Hi Achokis.

I am a 26-year-old man married to a beautiful woman, the same age. Our problem is that whenever my wife does something that annoys me, I easily get angered and find myself beating her up and then later regretting and asking her to forgive me.

I don’t like this and I know that it is bad, but I just find myself doing it over and over again.

My wife is now tired and has threatened to leave me. I don’t want to lose her.  Please help!

Our take..

Thank you for being honest and for seeking help. Having a spouse who hits you every time you annoy them can be traumatic and we cannot even begin to imagine what your spouse is going through. 

Anger has never been a primary emotion it is always a secondary one and it is not necessarily bad if managed well.

There is something that primes up anger in us. Anger is a reaction to something not well deep inside of us.

It is like the lights on a car’s dashboard that inform us that there is something wrong in your engine.

It informs us that there is something wrong within us. The manifestations of it in the form of violent behaviour are an indicator of a deeper issue.

You need to stop and look under your hood at what might be causing this reaction. Is it stress?

Are you anxious that you may lose your job? Are you going through a financial crisis? Is there something frustrating you? 

They say hurting people hurt others and if we are emotionally wounded, we are bound to injure others, either verbally or physically.

Many of us are not even aware of some of the emotional wounds we carry from our childhood that have such a ramification on our relationships today.

Abuse or abandonment by a parent, especially a father can also cause such deep emotional wounds.

Unfortunately, the people that bear the brunt of our emotional disorders are our loved ones. 

What are your triggers?

Our emotions, anger included, cannot just be wished or prayed away. You, therefore, must begin to identify what triggers your reaction.

What thoughts cause you to react the way you do. Then catch yourself and change your thought processes so as to disable whatever reactions may be boiling within you. 

Get involved in some aggressive sports that will help release some of the steam from you. 

Whatever you do, you must enlist the support of your wife. 

Let her know that you don’t like what has been happening and that you are ready to get help to overcome your anger.

It is like a sick person, unless they admit that they are sick, it will be difficult for the doctor to help them.

Similarly, your willingness to seek outside help will go a long way in helping you manage your anger.   – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches,  [email protected]