Hi Achokis. I have been married for the last five years and have two children. Two years ago, I discovered that my husband was seeing someone else and when I confronted him, he first denied it but later accepted it was the truth. After several attempts to convince him to leave that other woman and reconcile with me, he refused and even moved in with her. Towards the end of last year and the beginning of this year, he came back home and tried to convince me we reconcile. I wasn’t ready for this after how he hurt me and embarrassed me. He later approached my parents who have been trying to persuade me to accept him back, but how can I do this after what he did to me? How sure am I that he has changed and how can I love him again? Please advise.

Wakesho

Thank you Wakesho for seeking help. Being cheated on and abandoned can be a painful experience. We can only imagine your pain and feelings of betrayal.
From our experience as marriage and relationship coaches, when dealing with affairs, we have come to realise that the guilty party — the one who cheats on their spouse and walks away from their partner, soon grows weary of their escapades and want to return to their partner. They realise that all that glitters isn’t gold when the honeymoon is over and reality sets in. Unfortunately, sometimes, for the betrayed spouse, this isn’t easy as they have moved on with their lives and are left wondering why the sudden change of heart.

Weigh up the matter

Other times the betrayed partner, due to financial, parental or societal pressure quickly “forgives” or overlooks the wrong and welcome back their cheating spouse. Whereas this is what we all seek for and desire to happen, it can also be counterproductive if not properly handled. There’s a need to go to the root of the matter. Is it for selfish reasons or is it a genuine change of heart?
In the latter case, we ask you not to be too sceptical and unforgiving as there’s a chance he could have really changed. People do have their Damascus moment and regret the decisions they made. In the case of the former, one also needs to tread carefully as, if we quickly forgive and patch up without due process, history can repeat itself.

Don’t rush things

You need not be in a hurry to welcome him back, but rather take your time to confirm if he really has changed. You also need time to heal from the hurt you have experienced. Agree on how long it will take for you to go through a process of healing and restoration. We recommend you do so with the help of a professional who can help you see things clearly to make an objective decision. Should you decide to reconcile, there’s a need to sit down and draw boundaries for the relationship going forward.

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches
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