Hi Achokis. What do I do with my man who will not provide, yet wants to be treated like a king? He works, but we never get to see where his money goes to. I have continued carrying the financial burden of our house, from paying school fees to servicing our mortgage. We have been staying together for  three years, but  we are not legally married yet and he hasn’t even paid dowry for me. We have one child. Please help! 

Wanja

Thank you Wanja for your question.  It is unfortunate that there are men today who can step aside and allow a wife to carry the financial burden and feel nothing about it.  A woman’s orientation into marriage, whether she is earning more than her husband or less, is that, the man needs to at least show the desire to carry the financial burden if he is bringing home less or is earning more.  So, it becomes shocking when a man sits back and doesn’t provide, yet expects the home to run. 

You made it easy for him

Are you sure that your man is still earning?  Or is he frustrated about not bringing in much and paying the bills?  Has it always been you paying the bills from the beginning? If this is the case, then something is seriously wrong. You have mentioned that you are not legally married and that he hasn’t even paid dowry for you. Did he just move in with you? Did he find you taking care of yourself? He most probably just entered and continued enjoying your hospitality and this has made him relax, no wonder he’s not helping shoulder the financial burden. 

In a marriage, we need to have shared responsibilities and even if one is disadvantaged, let there be an effort made and conversations around this. Unfortunately, there are men who are known for using woman as a cash cow. They take advantage of the woman’s financial ability and hope to ride on it. They take advantage of the fact that women want to settle down in a marriage, especially if there’s a child involved. The mistake you made was to make it easy for him. You in a way have enabled him— no wonder he won’t make any effort to make things right or take responsibility as a man. 

Let him man-up

Our advice is that you have a sit down with your man and openly share how you feel about his lack of financial contribution.  The fact that you have a child does not automatically mean that you are married. If your man doesn’t see your concern, then you may have to think twice about this arrangement.  Are you going to continue being an enabler of his irresponsibility or are you going to shake him to reality? You need to put your foot down, ask him to leave until he is ready to become responsible. If he is and when he is, he should start by going to see your parents to make a commitment. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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