Like father, like son?

What should the next step be when a man discovers he is sharing a partner with his child? Experts unpack this.  

Manuel Ntoyai @manuel_ntoyai

It’s written in the Bible that stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious, and that’s how far folks go in justifying their transgressions.

What they forget is the disclaimer that lies after that controversial verse. 

Recently in one of the city’s estates, a family feud has been simmering and only the corona pandemic has stopped things from escalating.

It happened that the house help has been having sexual intercourse with both son and father, in the absence of the mother, a nurse in the frontlines of combatting the disease.

The first to be found was the 16-year-old son, currently at home following the closure of schools due to the pandemic.

The case was solved internally, with the father letting the son off with what many called a slap on the wrist.

No phone and TV and blocking all social media sites on the family laptop, which had become a classroom for ‘junior’.

Two weeks later, the mother came home late only to find her husband missing in the matrimonial bed.

He was busy seeking solace in the arms of the house help and she could not bear any more, causing frenzy in the neighborhood. 

Disruption of routines

The man was quick to blame the woman for being unavailable emotionally and sexually, unlike the house help, whom he said was more entertaining and caring.

“What we have in this scenario is opportunity structure arising, especially with the disruption of daily routines.

Normally the couple would be going to work on a daily basis before the corona pandemic, now it’s only the wife who is going and this leaves a whole vacuum of free time,” says Dr Benson Agaya, a sociologist. 

He says, for the adolescent son, psychological enforcers such as overuse of electronic media such as TV and computers and being cut off from their normal circle of friends is partly to blame.

“When you look at the environment they are all in, there is fear of being restricted and tensions in the households, stress and such activities become an outlet of the same,” he adds. 

But “Baba Junior” as he is known in the estate has played it cool and has been boasting to his friends that his son is a proven man now. 

Had it not been for the pandemic, his wife would have left the home, but now she is forced to watch as things simmer down. 

“One of the things house helps would do is play innocent and yet charming the husbands in a special way.

They notice when there are family tensions; they watch drama between husband and wife and use that to their advantage, that is why in most confessions the husband will claim they are treated better by the house help,” says Laurriette Rota, a psychiatrist. 

While Baba Junior is out applauding his son for his experience, he does not realise that it is abuse, something to blame for lack of or little reporting. 

“It’s actually a form of abuse, but people don’t realise it. We had a house help who slept with several teenage boys and they just thought it was fun.

The major contributing factor is pornography, challenges with transitioning from childhood to teenagehood and parent neglect.

There are no clear laws that protect teenage boys as they feel as if they are old enough once circumcised,” she explains. 

In some communities, once circumcised, boys turn into men and this is seen as a green light to start engaging in sex. 

“In urban settings, these boys are whitewashed to believe they are men, and the easy targets are house helps, some of whom are coerced into sex because of job security.

Some are just lonely and want to engage in coitus as adults and prey on the boys,” she adds. 

She advises parents to have an honest conversation with their children when such situations arise.

“As a mother of the house, you should not be quick to take sides on who lured who into the act.

You can sit them down, tell them what they are doing is wrong and the consequences.

If it does not require any charges as they might say their sex was consensual, you can seek professional help to guide them through the process.

Ensuring you always check on what is going on in the house not only using nanny cams, but also being there physically to understand any experiences your teenager wants to share with you,” Laurriette adds.

Lawyer and community activist Pete Manson says there are a number of grey areas that should be addressed by both the parent and the community at large.

“First, people have to know the difference between defilement and rape. Having sex with anyone under the age of 18 is defilement and has varying levels of punishment by law, from life imprisonment (under 11) to 10 years,” he says.

He adds, “One challenge we encounter when facing such incidents is that for example in boys, they tend to clean up immediately after or use it as a bragging right amongst their peers.”

“In a scenario where the boy is below 18 and the house girl is above 18, the girl is held responsible  for the offence of defilement.

If both the girl and the boy are below 18yrs they are considered children in need of care and protection and the employer is charged for child labour,” says Phidiliah Kisinyo Deputy Director community policing gender and child protection, commissioner of police, Kenya Police Service. 

Focus on well being

Pete says cases of pedophilia should be treated with a serious approach because there are reported incidents where the house helps infect the kids with Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs).

“Apart from counselling, which takes place after the damage is done, parents need to understand teen sex trends and initiate conversations to help their kids.

Being keen on what their teenagers watch and learn from the Internet and their peers is very crucial.

Let’s not just focus on their education, but also their entire wellbeing.” says Laurriette.