Hi Achokis. I was in a relationship, but my girlfriend and I broke up last year. It didn’t take long before I found myself in another relationship. I have now been in this new love for about six months. We have been having a wonderful time, but recently, my ex resurfaced in my life. We started talking and it seems we took off from where we left. My current girlfriend isn’t aware that I’ve been seeing my ex. I don’t want to hurt my current girlfriend as she’s a nice person. But I feel hooked to my ex and can’t seem to let go of her. What should I do? I’m confused. Please help! 

Njeru

Hi Njeru.  Thank you for reaching out. Love can sometimes be complicated and confusing. Concerning your ex, how did you break up?  Were the issues between the two of you resolved? If they were not, there’s a likelihood that’s why she’s back in your life and things have continued as they used to be. You didn’t have closure and instead of putting a full stop, you probably put a comma and this other person showed up during that break. Since you needed to fill the “void” left in your life, to soothe your pain, you may have got in a rebound relationship. 

Come out clean

You owe it to your current girlfriend to come out clean. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if you discovered that your girlfriend was double-dealing you? It’s not fair for her to be thinking that she’s the one while there’s still some unfinished business from the past. Of course, this will hurt her, but it’s better you tell her now than for her to discover later by herself. 

It is advisable that you take a break from your current relationship. Explain to her your situation — hopefully she will understand. But even if not, yours is to get things right with yourself. Talk to your ex, find out what could have gone wrong with your first relationship. What led to the break-up? Have those issues been resolved? The problem here is that if those issues were not resolved, there’s a probability they may come up again. Don’t take it lightly, simply because things are working with her now may just be a way of trying to reconnect without fully addressing the issues that made you break-up.

 Address underlying issues

With the help of a therapist, you may discover that there are other deep underlying issues within you that need to be addressed. You may find out that you still loved your ex and both of you just didn’t know how to resolve your issues. That way, after your healing and processing, you may be in a good frame of mind to decide who among the two women will you commit to, or if at all you want even to be in a relationship for now. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches.

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