Hi Barnabas and Grace.

I have been married for 13 years and have two children. In most cases, I have been the soul breadwinner and have persevered for long in this marriage that has been marred with too much violence.

Of late, my husband has been threatening to kill me and scares me with a knife, telling me he will marry should I leave or stay.

I sometimes think that it is just a threat because he says this when usually drunk, but every day I go home, I’m afraid of what might happen.

I don’t know where to start because I have loans and I don’t know if I will be able to make ends meet if I leave because I was the one who built the house we live in. Please help! Rosemary

Our take

This is indeed a sad situation. Thirteen years is such a long time to have persevered in such a marriage.

You have played the victim for too long in this marriage until you have reached a place that you have began to convince yourself that it’s just, a threat yet this can be more than that.

Many women endure abusive marriages like this due to many factors such as, what the society will say, or because of the children, or for religious reasons and yet they continue putting their lives in danger. 

One of your fears is how you will survive with all the loans you have taken, but whatever the reasons for staying, one need to consider their emotional well being.

Your emotional well being is of utmost importance, even more important than your economic well being. 

You have been providing for the family all this time and so you really have nothing to lose, except maybe the house.

Leave before it’s too late

Your husband has a complex that is making him want to assert himself as the man and since he cannot provide for whatever reason, he ends up being violent.

The alcohol could be the excuse for either drowning his problems or getting at you.

He has a problem, which you cannot help him solve. He needs professional help and that is if he acknowledges that he has a problem. 

Our advice then will be for you to leave before things get out of hand. Many women have lost their lives or been maimed physically, not to mention being destroyed emotionally trying to hang in there. 

Think of your children, staying there may not help them as they are probably already living in fear because of what they see or hear.

The sooner you get out of this abusive marriage, the better for you and your children. Seek legal redress through organisations such as Federation of Women Lawyers (FIDA) who fight for women in your position.

They will advise you accordingly and on which legal actions you can take so that you don’t have to lose your house and the custody of your children. Act now before it’s too late!- The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]