Hi Achokis. I have been married for six years and got two lovely children. Last year, things were not going on well between my wife and I. The worse came to the worst early this year when she asked for a separation. I thought it was a good thing to do so as we give each other space to sort ourselves out. During this period, I bumped into my ex on social media. We started off by chatting online and then went on to have long phone conversations. We even agreed to meet at some point, but haven’t yet done so. I must confess my feelings for her have been re-ignited, but there’s still unfinished business with my wife. I’m confused, what should I do? 

Gerald

Thank you Gerald. Love and life can sometimes be too complicated. And yes, though sometimes the best thing to do is to separate for a while like you did, the problem so often with many couples or is that when they take a break from the relationship or a separation in case of marriage, they usually don’t agree on a road map on what to do during this break.

In the case of separation, the couple should probably take time to reflect on what could have been their contribution to the state of the marriage instead of pointing fingers at each other. This process of reflection is better done with the help of a professional counsellor, an independent party who can help both of you see things from an outside perspective. 

Road map

During this time of separation, it is prudent that you agree on certain things. What will be happening during this time of separation? How will you handle your relationship seeing that you still need to co-parent your children and pay some bills? More importantly, why are you separating? Is it that you have reached the end of the relationship and want out? Is it so that you can take time to cool off and look at things from a different perspective? How long will the separation be? Are you both on the same page, or is one thinking of moving on, while the other is hopeful that things can be redeemed? 

Save your marriage first

Based on the above, it is important that you and your wife establish the terms of your separation first. What are you doing or hoping to achieve during this time? Give this priority and only after all effort to save the marriage has failed, can you think of what next. In that case, your ex’s entry into your life at this point is dangerous. Dangerous in that you are still vulnerable, and are not in a space to make a sober decision. If anything, it may jeopardise your chances of working on the things you need to work on towards reconciliation and restoration of your marriage. This is because at this point, it’s easy to see all the wonderful things about your ex and all the bad things about your wife.

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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