Hi Achokis. I have been married for the last 10 years. My husband and I have three children. As a couple, we have a good relationship. We have a business together and have this young man who works for us — doing our errands and sometimes driving me around. Of late, we have gotten quite close and I realise something has to be done or else things may go out of hand. How do I bring this up with my hubby? I don’t want him to overreact as he may sack or intimidate this fine young man, which is not my intention. Is it my fault that this is happening? 

– Mwikali

Thank you Mwikali for reaching out. To start with, just know that it is not your fault. Married or not, there are some things that happen naturally. One of them is getting attracted to someone. This may be based on how they look, their abilities, or even virtues. We need to be in touch with our feelings. So, there is nothing wrong with getting attracted;  what matters is what we do with the attraction. 

What are you lacking in marriage?

The attraction can be made worse if there’s a deficit in a marriage. As a woman, you may want to feel valued, taken care of and want attention. You need your man around you. Could this be the gap this young man is filling in your life? For the young man, maybe he has found a mother-figure in you or is looking up to you as good employer. Someone older who gives him attention, who appreciates  and affirms him for his work, something he probably didn’t get growing up. This is what is attracting him to you.

Nip it in the bud

It is good that you have noticed this early enough. Something needs to be done quickly before things go deep. Begin to look at him as an employee, who is trying to impress you as a boss. Being the boss, your behaviour matters a lot. For example, don’t over-indulge in conversation with him. Keep it official, not mixing business with pleasure. If there is a way of reassigning him other responsibilities away from you, do so, but do it wisely in a way that doesn’t damage the young man or raise suspicion in the relationship with your husband. 

Telling your hubby may be tricky — not that you want to hide anything from him, but because you don’t know how he may handle what you tell him. After all, this is not a full-blown relationship; it’s just an attraction, the early stages that need to be nipped in the bud. 

ut accountability structures in place. You may need to confide in a close friend, who has your back. Someone who will not be quick to judge you, and who can keep things in confidence. This person can help you navigate out of this tricky situation and keep you accountable by making sure that attraction doesn’t grow into a relationship.

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

[email protected]