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Hi Achokis, we have been married for the last 10 years with two children.

Some time last year, I had an affair with an ex who came back into my life.

Towards the end of the year, I realised my wife suspected I was cheating on her.

She confronted me twice, but I vehemently denied it, as I couldn’t stand hurting her.

This year I have decided to end that relationship and remain faithful to my wife.

My fear is that I don’t want to hurt both my ex and my wife, yet I realise I can’t continue like this. What should I do?

Our take

You find yourself entangled in a tricky situation. You need to make up your mind decisively on what you want.

You can’t have your cake and eat it. Whichever way it goes, it will not be easy and both women will definitely be hurt. Your wife because of the betrayal and your ex because of dashed hopes.

A mistake was made, but continuing in the same mistake only worsens the situation for you.

The fact that your wife is already suspicious makes life difficult for you at home. It is just a matter of time before things come out in the open and you are left so devastated. 

What you have built together in the last 10 years can easily go down the drain, not to mention greatly affect your children.

The sooner you come out clean the better for you, though even this will come with its own cost.

The lesser evil

So, whichever way you go, you are damned, to let the status quo remain will greatly trouble you and you will always be walking with this guilt over you.

On the other hand, if you come out clean, things will be hot at home. Both women will be hurt by whichever decision you make; your wife for coming out clean and your ex for leaving her. 

You have two choices, to admit your misdemenaur and deal with its repercussions, or to continue playing this cat and mouse game hoping that you won’t be caught yet running around with so much guilt. 

You have to choose the lesser evil of the two and that is to face your wife and admit to her that yes, you have been cheating on her.

She’s already suspecting you, so what you can do is to begin testing the waters and bargaining for a soft landing before you face the music.

Let her know how much you love her and how much you regret whatever happened. 

The moment you let the cat out of the bag you will feel better, a load will have been lifted out of your life. What will remain is dealing with the shame and a hurting wife.

With time and with proper counselling you will go through this painful season and hopefully come out on the other side together and maybe stronger. Hopefully you too have learned your lessons.

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]