Hi Achokis.

I have been married for three years now. Before getting married, we had dated for three years during which my wife, then  girlfriend, cheated on me.

I came to find out this after we got married. I genuinely forgave her. On February this year, I went out of town for a two-week work assignment.

However, I decided to come back on February 16 without informing her. Shock on me, she wasn’t home.

I found a Valentine’s card from another man expressing how much he loves her.

She came back late at night and when I enquired where she was, I realised, she has been seeing this guy for some months.

She had also spent three days with him from February 14 to 16th. We still stay together, but I don’t know how to forgive her even though I still love her. Please advise!

Our take

Thank you for reaching out for help. You say that when you discovered that your fiancée then, now wife, had cheated on you during your courtship, you genuinely forgave her.

How did you discover that she had cheated on you? Did she reveal it to you, or you found out from someone else?

If you found out from someone, then she may just have been sorry, because she had been busted, but wasn’t genuinely sorry for her actions. 

When one doesn’t fully understand how much their actions have hurt their partner, and how much they have been forgiven, they continue with that same behaviour.

It then becomes a habit that is difficult to stop. It is difficult to forgive a habit, no wonder your struggle.

If it was a one-time thing, then it would have been easier to forgive, especially if the person who is forgiven is truly remorseful and is trying their best to change. This is not so with your wife. 

You can’t forgive a habit

Married people cheat for various reasons. It could be that they find themselves in a situation and are hooked, have a need not being met at home or they were not ready to get married in the first place.

The latter seems to be the issue with your wife. Maybe she hadn’t finished her partying life when she got married.

Maybe there’s a need that is not being met and what you are seeing is a symptom of a deeper issue.  

Drastic measures

 This time round, you will need to do more than just say, “I forgive you”. You need to take some drastic steps that will shake her to reality.

There’s, therefore a need for a sit down, preferably with a third-party whom she respects and will listen to.

Someone who she can be open to and who can hold her accountable for her actions. Ask her what she wants.

If she’s not ready to change, then you can agree to separate for some time. Hopefully that will make her come to her senses. 

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