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At a time when one night stands, friends with benefits and casual sex have become the order of the day, it is not unusual to have sexual relations with someone before you know them well. But a demisexual only has sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond.

Modern society has seen the rise in casual sex where people have physical intimacy outside of the emotional, practical, or romantic components of love or a committed relationship. Casual sex is often portrayed as fun, no-strings-attached romps.

Others have embraced the commonness of casual sex as a sign of social progress. In a widely read Atlantic article, “Boys on the Side,” Hanna Rosin urged women to avoid serious suitors so that they could focus on their own needs and careers.

But with all this so-called social progress, there are people who only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. And there is a name to that – demisexual.

The term ‘demisexual’ first came to light in 2006 on the website of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, a website designed in 2001 to provide a resource on all things asexual – and has been gaining traction ever since, with more and more people identifying with the orientation. But what exactly does it mean for one to identify as a demisexual?

 Demystifying connection

“Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to people that they have close emotional connections with,” explains psychologist Jane Ngugi.

The psychologist shares how a sexual attraction is inclined to an emotional bond, which basically means that the person does not experience primary attraction – the attraction you feel towards someone when you first meet them. They only feel secondary attraction, a type of attraction that happens after knowing the person for some time.

Therefore, a demisexual person wouldn’t find themselves attracted to a famous “sexy” celebrity or even a classically attractive person on the street—in other words, they tend not to feel that same intensity or longing the way others might. Another way to look at it: a demisexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction toward someone until they’ve bonded, whereas someone else might develop an emotional bond only after they have experienced that spark of sexual attraction.

A common misconception is that demisexual people need to be in love with someone to feel sexual attraction. Demisexuality requires a connection, but for many people, that can be a close friendship or another type of non-romantic relationship.

If you choose to be intimate only with people you have known for a long time or have a close connection with, you are not necessarily demisexual. Demisexuality is not a casual preference — it drives the attraction that comes before sexual encounters.

“Time taken for an emotional bond to develop can vary from person to person. The bond can take years to develop. Having a bond does not guarantee that the person will feel sexual attraction and even if they do, it does not necessarily mean that they will act on it,” shares the expert.

She explains that demisexuality does not mean someone is afraid of sex. It simply implies that they do not feel sexual attraction to new people. It is a myth that demisexuality is a sign of low self-drive. Demisexuality will only refer to the type of attraction that the person feels not how often they have sex.

Demisexuality also is not related to a moral or religious belief about sex. It is a sexual orientation, not a choice. In fact, the experts say demisexuals can be straight, lesbian, bisexual, gay, and may have any gender identity.

There are several signs that can indicate that one is a demisexual; if you get confused the first time you feel sexual attraction, you have only dated people you have been friends with, those you have felt a deep connection with and had a sense of trust and security, you do not understand the hookup culture, strangers don’t attract you, or you are not excited by physical touch, there is a high chance you are demisexual.

“Though some people may choose only to have sex in an established relationship, others may desire to have sex with someone they just met. Both approaches toward sex are completely normal.

Coming out as a demisexual can be challenging for anyone, especially when people don’t understand your orientation. Putting a label on a certain sexual identity can help people feel included and realise that they are not alone.

By choosing the label of demisexual, a person may join the larger community, hence getting support and acceptance. Support from those around you is important. Seek help from a therapist when the need arises. But you don’t have to come out unless you feel comfortable doing so,” says Jane.

Old-fashioned dating

However, sex Therapist Maurice Matheka feels that this is the old-fashioned way of dating that is currently being repackaged.

“The old-fashioned way of thinking was to go out, see if you click with someone, create a kind of bond or connection with this person, and if the feeling was not mutual, then you wouldn’t have a sexual relationship.

If this is a thing, then it could mean that all the people in their 80s are demisexuals. Unless there is a different way of arguing this sexuality, I see it as the basic process of dating. In the past, you could not have sex with someone unless they love you. So, it’s not something new, it’s been happening,” shares the expert.