Breadcrumbing, dating red flag to be wary of

When Sara Kimani met her match on Tinder in 2019, she thought that she had finally said goodbye to her days of loneliness. Her boyfriend had this charm and would always check on her. But after one month of dating, things began to take a different turn. 

“He started having irregular communication habits. We would be in contact for one day and then he would spend weeks without talking to me or even responding to my messages. We would make plans and he would never show up or would cancel them last minute. When I said I wanted to quit, he started talking to me nicely making me warm up to him again. He always likes my posts though, on social media and usually leaves a comment. His behaviour has left me confused,” she narrates.  

From the dating scene that gave us ghosting, comes another one — breadcrumbing. Many people are familiar with ghosting — when someone cuts off all communication without explanation.

Relationship expert Allan Lawrence says breadcrumbing is when someone leads you on by dropping morsels of interest such as occasional phone calls, messages, social media interaction or even date plans, all the tiny nitty gritties that suggest you are in a relationship just to keep you, but will never commit. 

“Breadcrumbers never make effort to get to know you as a person. They are more interested in sex though,” he says. 

Despite the fact that the problem might be their lack of interest and communication, breadcrumbers might blame it on you and make it look like it’s their victim’s fault. This pick up and drip down tendency, Allan says, makes the victims feel confused knocking their self-confidence. 

Warning signs

The breadcrumber finds ways to convince the partner that the relationship will be better once they sense that the partner is tired of the relationship, but it won’t. This too is what Sara has experienced every time she has desired to quit the relationship. 

“Whenever I tell him that I’m tired of the relationship, he comes over to my house and becomes really sweet to me. He cooks dinner, entices me to have sex with him and at that moment, it feels like we are back together, only for him to revert to the same behaviour a week later,” Sarah says. 

While some people do this unconsciously, Allas says a person with narcissistic tendencies would do this to gain control over the victim. Breadcrumbing is a sign of emotional abuse, since it involves manipulation. 

“Breadcrumbers might even mention their shared interest or experience to reinforce a sense of connection. They keep the messages superficial and generic instead of offering concrete details or showing interest on your daily actions. Some are crazy enough to like or even respond to your posts on social media, but will never respond to the messages you sent them,” he observes. 

Allan shares how such a person might interestingly start responding whenever the other partner begins losing interest. “They do this to reinforce the original attraction and give you a sense of false hope. Before long, they go back to their usual behaviour and you get back to begging for their attention,” he says. 

While being led on like this is never a nice feeling, what’s worse is that one end up feeling not valued. “Women, in particular, end up making excuses for the breadcrumber or hope that one day the partner will change and love them back, but it won’t happen. Accepting such treatments results in poor self-esteem and emotional fatigue for the victim,” says Elmard Rigan, a counselling psychologist. 

Once this behaviour has been established between the two people, it becomes perpetuated as long as the victim allows it to continue. Breadcrumbers do this to get some attention from others. It boosts their self-esteem to have people follow them for bread crumbs.  “These people might not even be aware of the harm they are causing.  They might do it whenever they are down because their brain gives them a nice chemical pick-me-up when they connect with you, even if the interaction is brief. Some also do this because they fear commitment,” says Rigan. 

Way forward

While it is difficult for victims to accept that things are never going to change, Allan gives suggestions on how you can avoid or come out of such relationships. 

First, if one keeps following you online, but doesn’t show up when you make plans, ensure that you openly let them know how the situation is affecting you. Also, change how the communication is going by taking charge of the situation.  “If you are the one who normally follows their lead, then it’s time you take the lead and show them how you want things done. If they text at night, turn off the phone and respond when you feel like. If they only called when they want a hook up, make sure you stop that. Also, let them know that it’s not okay whenever they cancel plans,” he says. 

Allan says the victim needs to love themselves more and validate themselves in the mirror till they are not needy in a relationship. “Have a plan and stick to it. Have relationship goals and communicate them. Let it be known plainly,” he says in conclusion.