Hi Achoki’s. My fiancée and I are planning to get married. She has a good job, yet I’m just a hustler.

She lives in a good house in a respectable neighbourhood and is even planning to buy a house. She already has a car, I don’t.

Of late, I’ve started developing cold feet wondering if “kweli nitaweza huyo”.

I haven’t talked about this with her though she’s constantly asking me what my fears are and if I feel threatened by her achievements.

Are there solid marriages where the woman earns more than the man and how do I overcome my fears? Please advise!

Our take

Thank you for your question and honesty. Many men get married knowing that they will be the provider while the women will supplement. 

This is how our parents lived. But times have changed. Today’s woman has been empowered and she might bring home more than the man.

This scares many men because they think that when a woman earns more than him atamukalia (she will boss him around).

So, like you, they fear such women. But contrary to what men have been made to believe, there are many hardworking successful women who simply want a man who will love them, not just take care of them.

And yes there are many successful marriages where the woman earns more than the man. 

Take charge

A wife being ahead does not mean that she is the head.  A wife needs a leader in the home irrespective of his societal status.

She also needs to know her role in the marriage even though she is the one bringing home the bacon.

As a man, are you able to offer advice and give direction? Can you take charge even though you are not the one bringing the bigger portion? 

Are you making effort as a man or do you wallow in your lack and just sit at home? As a man, take charge.

Sometimes when you go for a meal as you are courting, be the one to decide on where you are going to eat and pay the bills instead of always expecting her to pay. 

Share your fears

Men need to be secure and take up their role as leaders at home. Realise that no one can intimidate you without you allowing it.

So, you need to deal with your own insecurities and misconceptions about your fiancée. Secondly, you need to openly share with her your fears.

It takes courage to do so, but this is something that women want to see in their men —courage and a willingness to be vulnerable.

She would rather know you for who you really are and make the choice to be with you. 

There’s nothing to lose— if she rejects you because of this, then it was not meant to be, but if she accepts you, then this can be the beginning of many more conversations on your fears and her fears that will help build a strong foundation going forward. – The writers are marriage and relationship coaches  [email protected]